Friday, June 08, 2012

Stupid

I binged last night because I've been so stressed lately about money. I just shoved food into my mouth trying to find some sense of comfort. It didn't work of course. It only made things worse. As soon as I finished eating I just worried more about money and how much everything that I just ate cost. Today I binged more because I figured I've ruined everything already I might as well eat comfort food. Then there was a moment where my stomach felt like it just flipped. Everything shifted into perspective. I may have screwed up yesterday, I may have screwed up today, I may have screwed up 3 seconds ago, but I won't screw up again. I'm done eating for today. It is 5pm and I don't care how many delicious things my mom cooks for dinner. I don't care how much they push me to eat. I'm done for tonight, and tomorrow morning the first thing I'm going to focus on is shrinking my stomach. I need to eat smaller meals more often.

Weird thing is that I had a dream about my two ex boyfriends last night. It was the strangest thing. I hadn't thought about either of them really for a long time in that way. Like I missed my most recent ex boyfriend, I'll call him greg, as a friend. I missed talking to him and watching anime with him and stuff like that. But I hadn't thought of him in a "I wish he was still my boyfriend" kind of way. Then there's the one before him, who I'll call Noah. I hadn't thought about him that way either because I started to really hate him because he turned into a manwhore and I just felt like that was really disrespectful towards what we used to have. Anyways, last night I had a dream about both of them. I dreamt that they both asked me to go on a double date with them and another couple and I agreed. But when I got to the double date I was both of their dates, like on the same date. Only there was two of me there. Like the me that was with greg was the kind of person that I was while I dated him, and the me that was with noah was the kind of person that I was while I dated him. It was really weird and I can't get it out of my head now. I have no idea what it means, but it has really upset me. 

Comments:

Venus- I can't wait to be able to do that. "Oh here's some clothes I was going to donate because they just fall right off me now, but I bet they would fit you." You're right though, there definitely has to be something broken about someone to need that kind of attention, I just wish I could give her more of the kind of attention that she needs rather than just the attention that she wants

PrettyLies- You are so right. It was hard to open up about this kind of stuff and when I finally did it wasn't to the right person. I need to be more careful about what I say to who.

lulu- :) I didn't even think of that, thanks. I used to drink so much tea but I don't know why I stopped. Getting back to how much I was drinking should definitely help. thanks

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