Tuesday, June 05, 2012

New lowest weight

I finally hit 152. I think I had been holding in a lot of water or something because I woke up like three times last night having to go to the bathroom and this morning I woke up with a full bladder even though I didn't drink anything all night. Kind of weird but I'm really happy my weight is down another pound. Hopefully I'll be down to 151 soon. I just can't wait to be out of the 150s and into the 140s. I feel like that's going to be a real turning point. People have been commenting on my size a lot lately. I had all of my friends over a few days ago and they said it looked like I'd lost "a shit ton of weight" which made me really happy. The friend who said this is really thin so it meant a lot hearing it from her. As soon as she said it the rest of them chimed in and Shaye just sat there. A few minutes went by and then she started complaining about how none of her clothes fit her anymore because she's lost so much weight. No one really paid attention so I felt a kind of bitchy happiness inside. It's probably unfair for me to rag on her on my blog because all I do is comment on the negative, and she really is a good person, but I just feel like she thinks that no one else's problems are as important as hers. When I showed her my scars ( which are very noticeable, imagine laying your hand on the side of your calf right at the centre, there's a massive pattern of crisscrossed scars exactly that size) she said "oh that's not so bad" and went on about how she apparently tried to kill herself again. It was so hard to finally tell someone about what I had done, I was terrified inside, and she acted like it was nothing. Then she went on and on about all of her scars and how afraid she is to show anyone bla bla bla. She doesn't have any scars. She was all "look right there, it's really small and its fading but I did it like a week ago." Not a single mark on her skin. It just really makes me angry that whenever I try to talk to her about any of my issues it immediately goes right back to her. I know that she needs to talk too, but we talk about her problems for hours and we can't talk about any of mine for even five minutes.

Apparently I can't lose weight unless I'm motivated by competition. Last time it was to destroy my ex boyfriend, which kind of doesn't matter anymore because he turned into a self destructive man-whore. This time I guess it is to not be the fattest in my group of friends. Shaye can have a turn at that. Finally she'll have something real to complain about.


Emma- It's good to know I'm not the only one feeling that way. I really do want to sabotage her meals. She already sabotages mine so maybe it's time for a little payback.

Venus- Thanks for the support. Soon we'll be on the other end in that situation. Our friends will be asking to borrow our clothes and we'll have to tell them that our clothes are too small for them :)


  1. Even better, we will be able to offer clothes that we once wore when we were bigger. "Oh, I might be able to dig something up from when I was your size. Lemme see..."
    There was this girl once who was showing a guy friend of mine some scars on her wrists for attention. She said she's attempted suicide and was in the hospital for a week. I know how that works now and I could hardly see her scars at all. Makes me want to laugh. Maybe those who pretend to be broken to get attention really are broken in a way, they just don't show it in a way that is as... ideal to us.
    xoxo Stay strong and good luck! <3

  2. wwoooww. Um...attention whore much? I would find a different person to open up to. You may feel like you can trust her, but if she's making comments like that, I wouldn't go to her so much. Hope she gets less bitchy!

  3. ah thats so exciting! but annoyitng that u had to keep getting up in the middle of the night. i find green tea helps me! www.strengthisbeauty13.blogspot.com