Sunday, April 14, 2013

Like I Loved you Yesterday

I hate being stuck in the past. I see ghosts of what was and what could have been layered over the reality that I can't force myself to accept. The layers of reality and illusion are blurring and I'm afraid that I'm losing sight of what is true.

I look around me and everyone else is happy, I wish I was happy. I can remember the last time I was happy. Truly happy. I remember that exact moment, and I remember the exact moment that happiness was shattered. I remember where I was, what I was wearing, what I was doing, and most importantly of all who I was with. 

How do you differentiate between being in love with who you thinkhopedreamwish a person has become and the person who they used to be, while you're terrified of who they might have become? How do you know If it was love or if you just wish that it was love and want to believe that it still is love so you can tell yourself that you're not as heartless as you wish you were? 

Is it wrong to want something that I threw away? I want it so badly it hurts and my skin crawls and my eyes burn and my heart leaps into my throat and I can feel it beat so fast and hard I think it might explode and I want to crawl into my own skin and hide so that I never have to feel this way ever again. I threw away something so precious and beautiful because I was terrified of it, and now I want it back and I don't know how to get it back, I know that I don't deserve to get it back. I didn't deserve to have it in the first place. 

I don't know if any of what I'm feeling right now is real or if it's just a phase. I hope it's a phase because I would give anything to make these feelings go away.

But at the same time I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. These feelings mean that I'm alive. 


ruby-tuesday: Thanks, at this point I don't even know if it's the flu or just old fashioned stupidity. But the hot water helps.

Outdoor Junkie: Being a girl does suck, sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I had been born with a penis. I love that you said little one. It makes me feel like I have that potential, to be little in size. And it makes me feel like I am small, like in the grand scheme of things, and that maybe my problems aren't the be all and end all. 

Thank you everyone, and sorry for the weirdly philosophical, questioning, and rambling post.