Falling

I've been reading a lot of your blogs. I'm so happy for all of you ladies out there, a lot of you have been losing a lot of weight recently. Jealousy doesn't even begin to describe how I feel right now. It's more of a sadness, right in my gut. There's this feeling of tension rippling through my body, I'm increasingly uncomfortable in my own skin. It's because I'm falling behind. The rest of you are shedding the pounds, like a baby bird molting its first feathers. You'll all grow new feathers and fly away. I'll be here, grounded. Forever caught in this stage between old and new. Forever the ugly duckling left behind.

Oh god, I'm so miserable today. Sorry for the ramblings about birds. I'm not sure why but it's always birds. I don't particularly like them, and it's not like I've ever had a pet bird I was extremely attached to. In fact, my pet budgie hated me. So I have no clue in the world why my rants are always about birds.

If it wasn't obvious from my weird, sad, bird ramble...I derailed...again. 500 calories tomorrow. That's the limit. I'm going to a friend's tomorrow for a pool party. Fortunately it's only my closest friends, so I don't have to be too self conscious. I will be of course, but still. 500 calories tomorrow. No more. I will lie my way through tomorrow as much as needed. "I ate before I came over." "I've been feeling under the weather." "I just had so much, didn't you see?" Whatever I can think of, whatever I have to do, I don't care.