Friday, June 29, 2012

Can I get that in a smaller size please?

I  went shopping today ladies. Almost everything that I bought I needed a smaller size than I originally grabbed off the rack. I got a dress in size small, a blazer in size small, a baggy cardigan thingy that I don't know what to call in a size small, jeans in a 28- I'm not sure what that translates to, and a pair of dress pants in a 7/8- I could have gone smaller but they were the last pair under size 12 left. I hate how there's two different ways of sizing pants. Why can't they just have one and stick with it. Shaye went on a trip for two weeks. My deal with myself is that for every new thing that I buy I need to get rid of one old thing. That way I make sure that I'm slowly getting rid of all of my fat clothes and am slowly filling up my closet with smaller clothes. Hopefully by the time she gets back I will have lost some more weight and I can pawn off some of my fat clothes on her. I'll just say that the stlye doesn't appeal to me anymore and she won't even know. I think that will be the best thinspiration. Having her walk around beside me in my old fat clothes while I walk around in my new smaller clothes. God I'm a bitch. I'm going to hell for this.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

0.2 down?

I've been living off of tea. That's it. My stomach doesn't want anything more, it can't take anything more. And this is all I lose? I've been feeling so numb lately, numb or angry. I'm not really angry either, just trying to be something other than numb or empty feeling. I miss my ex in a really detatched way. I miss who I was when I was with him, and who he was when he was with me. But at the same time I know we really weren't those people. They were just faces we put on to please each other. I miss putting on the faces, the charade of it all. At least when I was pretending I was happy, happy was still a part of the equation. He's changed since then, or he's more himself than he ever was with me, I'm not sure which. I haven't changed into someone else, or become more of anything. Just dissapearing, fading into the background. All I want right now is to be held by someone, but I know the second I let someone get close I'll feel strangled and suffocated.

Monday, June 25, 2012

147.6

I've been really melancholy the past week or so, the fact that I'm getting sick and don't have any days off work this week doesn't help. Seems to help my weight though. I haven't felt like eating, all I drink is tea with the slightest amount of milk in it and I feel so bloated from just that. Weighed in this morning at 147.6 but I'm not even happy. I'm down a significant amount from where I started. My old jeans are starting to fit again. I had a pile of them in my closet from when I was thinner. Only 3 pairs that I tried on were still too small. I should be happy now right?

Comments:

Venus- you're more excited about my progress than I am, can I borrow some of your upbeat attitude please?

PrettyLies- I really like that lyric, what song is it from? The comments you leave are always so sweet, thanks so much for being so nice

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Falling

I've been reading a lot of your blogs. I'm so happy for all of you ladies out there, a lot of you have been losing a lot of weight recently. Jealousy doesn't even begin to describe how I feel right now. It's more of a sadness, right in my gut. There's this feeling of tension rippling through my body, I'm increasingly uncomfortable in my own skin. It's because I'm falling behind. The rest of you are shedding the pounds, like a baby bird molting its first feathers. You'll all grow new feathers and fly away. I'll be here, grounded. Forever caught in this stage between old and new. Forever the ugly duckling left behind.

Oh god, I'm so miserable today. Sorry for the ramblings about birds. I'm not sure why but it's always birds. I don't particularly like them, and it's not like I've ever had a pet bird I was extremely attached to. In fact, my pet budgie hated me. So I have no clue in the world why my rants are always about birds.

If it wasn't obvious from my weird, sad, bird ramble...I derailed...again. 500 calories tomorrow. That's the limit. I'm going to a friend's tomorrow for a pool party. Fortunately it's only my closest friends, so I don't have to be too self conscious. I will be of course, but still. 500 calories tomorrow. No more. I will lie my way through tomorrow as much as needed. "I ate before I came over." "I've been feeling under the weather." "I just had so much, didn't you see?" Whatever I can think of, whatever I have to do, I don't care.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Fail

I made it to day 3. I guess I just found out my limit. 500 calories a day is manageable, but I'm not ready for 300 a day yet. Too much food went into my body last night. I don't even know how to describe how upset with myself I am right now. Today will be better though. My weight still dropped. This morning I was a shocking 149.4 pounds. It's so exciting to have finally broken out of the 150s. I don't ever want to go back. Maybe I won't be the fat one in my group of friends for much longer. Everyone wants to go out for drinks soon, and I will not be the biggest one. I will not be the ugliest. If it makes me a bitch then fine. For me not to be the ugly one, there has to be a new ugly one and I know who that has to be. You all know who I'm talking about. She left a pair of her shorts behind at my house and I tried them on. They fit the same at the waist, but they were definitely loose on my thighs compared to hers. The amount of cellulite on the back of my legs is also less. As soon as I tan it shouldn't be noticeable at all. We went to the mall together and both tried on the same dress in the same size. She had slight back rolls from her bra, I had none. The dress did suit her better but I think that's only because I am a lot taller than her so the dress was a lot shorter on me. It hit her just above the knee, but hit me above the middle of my thigh. As soon as I tone that up I won't have that problem ever again.

Since I finally reached my second goal weight I get my second goal weight item. Black pumps baby!  I already have them but haven't worn them out anywhere yet. When I go out with my friends for drinks I'll wear them and hopefully post pics so you all can tell me where you think needs improvement the most.

Comments:

LittleMissFairy- thank you so much! good luck to you too :)

PrettyLies- well the willpower kind of disappeared yesterday but hopefully I get some of it back today. I hate how tempting cookies are :'( I was so happy when I hit 152 but I really hope I don't have to see that number on the scale again lol

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

ABC Day 2: 500 calories or less

Less again! I almost went over yesterday. Me and my younger brother had to go out at like 11:30 at night to pick up my youngest brother from his friend's house where he was working on a project. I had a gift card for the local coffee shop in my purse. I was craving a donut so badly. The whole way to pick up my brother I was like "can we stop can we stop can we stop! I want fooooood." But as soon as we were within a block of it my willpower came back and I turned to him calmly and said, "No matter how much I beg, no matter how hungry I say I am, even if I scratch at the window, do not stop, do not pull over no matter what." On the way past the donut shop on the way home I didn't even think about being hungry. It was great to have that kind of control. A week ago I would have made him pull over and would have bought one of everything. I have a language proficiency and grammar test to see if I can get accepted into one of the colleges that I applied to soon. I want to look good for it. I've been watching ANTM a lot lately and Tyra is always talking about how you have to look professional at all times. When the girls go out on a challenge, they have no idea what they're going to be doing, so they need to look great all the time. I want to look great at that test because who knows what kind of impact the way I look might make. I don't want the tester to think "wow she did great on the test but no one wants to hire a girl that looks all ratty like that." I'd rather do worse on the test and look great so they think, "she looks great, people would hire her, we should take the time to teach her."

Breakfast:
1/2 bowl wonton soup (70)
Lunch:
the other half of the wonton soup (70)
Dinner:
2 slices toast (140), 1 tbsp peanut butter (80), 1 tbsp grape jelly (50)

Total: 410

I'm down exactly one pound from yesterday. I was 153.4 and now I'm 152.4 so that's decent progress. I started taking green tea extract pills and they're supposed to boost your metabolism so hopefully those help. I'm already taking B12 vitamins and those help to metabolise carbs apparently. I'm heading to work soon so that should burn a decent amount of calories. Cross your fingers that my new-found willpower holds up and I don't binge while I'm there.

Wish me luck in my weight loss journey and I wish all of you the best of luck!
Love Emma

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

ABC Day 1: 500 calories or less

Less! 441.75 to be exact. I'm quite proud of myself at the moment, now i just have to be careful not to screw it up.

Breakfast:
1/2 english muffin (65), poached egg (70), sprinkle of paprika (6)
Lunch:
granny smith apple (80), 4 raw unsalted almonds (28)
Dinner:
1/2 cup basmati rice (100), 1 tbsp light butter chicken sauce (6.25), 2 small chicken wings (86)

Total: 441.75

My measurements as promised...
Neck: 12.7"
Bust: 35.3"
Underbust: 30.2"
Right arm: 12.7"
Left arm: 13.5"
Stomach at belly button: 34.6"
Bum: 41.1"
Right thigh: 24.7"
Left thigh: 25.2"
Right calf: 14.6"
Left calf: 14.7

I wasn't completely sure where I should measure so hopefully using these spots I can accurately track weight loss. Sorry its a day late, from now on every monday I'll be updating my measurements, hopefully with some steadily decreasing numbers. I looked at my old stats for last summer and although I'm about 2 pounds lighter than I was I'm bigger in some places than I was. My bum is bigger and so is my stomach and thighs. It's weird because my bust, under my bust, my farms and my neck are all smaller. My neck is actually like a whole inch thinner than it was last year. I'm really glad my face isn't as fat as it was last year. But I'm not so glad about my stomach and but. Hopefully they'll be better by next week. I really need to look good soon. I just got invited to a movie night and both of my exes are invited. I don't want to be that fat dumpy girl that they're happy to be rid of anymore. I don't know how I feel about either of them. I don't know if I like them like them, want to be friends with them, or want to destroy them. Whatever it is that I want from them, I won't get it by being fat.

Comments: 

Venus- I hate that it moves around, I just want it all gone :p It's so nice to know that I made your list of priorities. And it sucks so much that you don't have internet right now. I don't know what I would do without mine. I'd say go to a coffee shop and use some of the free wifi on your phone or something, but all the coffee shops with decent wifi are crammed full of sugar coated fat dripping desserts. Gah I can hear my stomach rumbling already :'(

Monday, June 11, 2012

time for me to learn my ABCs



Still stuck at 153. I've decided to do ABC bootcamp. I'm not sure how long I'll last but it should be a good challenge. If any of you want to do it along with me let me know. I do best when there's some competition :p

I'll update later with some stats on what I've eaten and my measurements. A while back I mentioned that mondays would be measurement day, but I couldn't find a measuring tape. Well I finally found one. Hopefully I'll stick to the ABC diet and stick to posting my measurements once a week. I'm not sure what body parts are best to measure for weight loss, so I'll probably do like arms, neck, bust, underbust, stomach, thighs, and calves. And different measurements for like right thigh and left thigh, because I'm sure they're different because my right arm and leg are definitely my dominant arm and leg, like I use my right arm for picking stuff up more often and my right leg for balancing on more.