Tuesday, January 31, 2012


CW: 157.4
GW: 155
UGW: 115

Lots of bad foods today. I woke up feeling ick, I felt like all my limbs were achy and my muscles seemed like they were numb and my skin felt too tight. So I just feel really blah today. I accidentally dropped my ipod too, I'm really pissed about that. I don't know how I could have been so careless and now it's broken and I can't afford a new one. I had the MyFitnessPall app, and it had a nice progress tracker so I could see any weight loss or gain on a chart, and you could search the nutritonal value to pretty much any food that's ever existed on it. So I'm really pissed at myself for that. My cell is on its last legs (I've had it for more than 3 years, and considering that most people get a new phone every year I think that's pretty good) so maybe I can find a used iphone for cheap and get that. Lost a bit of weight. I feel like that's only on the scale though. My clothes seem tighter to me. I'm not very cheerful today. Hope you girls are having a better day than I am.


Friday, January 27, 2012


CW: 158.0
GW: 155
UGW: 115

Today is better than yesterday was. My weight dropped by more than half a pound so I'm really happy about that. If I had exercised a bit more yesterday it might have gone down by a whole pound. Today I'll exercise lots though. My parents have some thing that they're doing and their friends will all be over so I'll be able to slip down into the basement and run like the wind on the eliptical. I'm going to eat a bit more today, but it's not a binge because it's planned. I'm going to have nachos, the baked kind, mmmm. Since I'm a vegetarian my mom is always worried that I don't get enough protein, and to be honest lately I've know that I haven't been. The nacho's will have a ton of vegetarian ground beef stuff on them, it's so good. Like 60 calories for 1/3 of a cup and like an insane amount of protein and iron and other vitamins.

I'm a tad bummed that I didn't get to my first goal weight by today. Three more pounds to go. I can make it by sunday maybe, wednesday at the latest. My mom wants to go shopping either this weekend or next weekend and I have a gift card from my birthday. More goal weight clothes! I always feel bad when I buy them and they're too small, but once I lose and they fit I feel terrific. Maybe I'll get some new shirts or a skirt or pants. Maybe even a new pair of glasses, I know you cant exactly buy glasses a size too small, but I can not let myself wear them until I get to a certain weight. Plus, glasses look a lot better on when you've got a more narrow face.

Love you guys,

Thursday, January 26, 2012


CW: 158.6
GW: 155
UGW: 115

I'm still losing, but it's only like 0.2 pounds a day or every other day. Over the course of a week that's almost one and a half pounds. If I look at it long term then that's fine, but the problem is that I don't look at it long term. Maybe I should try to be happy with long term more sustainable weight loss, but I'm not. If I don't see the numbers on the scale drop quickly I'm not happy. That's when the sabotage starts. I sit around all day and hardly do anything and I stuff my face. I can't even work up the energy to burn some of it off with exercise. What the hell is wrong with me? I should be happy that I'm losing, no matter how small the number is. Ugh, I can't even work up the energy to be mad at myself.

I might have a part time job soon, so that's good. I can save some money for new clothes when I get thin... if that ever happens.

No! No more negative thoughts. Tomorrow is a new day and it will go well. I will count my calories and use the elliptical and do weight training. I won't sit around all day. I'll be productive, I'll get my room cleaned, do some cooking, read a book, get some writing done, do some studying. Tomorrow will be good.

Ok, enough of the pep talk because it's getting weird. Hi to new followers Leigh.Cherie, stillimagining, and ellie3D.

PrettyLies, we should definitely do a liquid fast together on V day, I've never done one before so lets hope I don't wimp out.

Stillimagining, thanks so much, and thanks for tips and the link it was really helpful :)

I love this pic so much, it is exactly what I want my legs to look like. Thin and smooth, with the perfect amount of thigh gap.

Love you guys,

Tuesday, January 24, 2012


CW: 159
GW: 155
UGW: 115

Breakfast: nothing (0) = 0
Lunch: idk
Dinner: idk
Snacks: idk

It has officially been one week since I created this blog, and with it one week since my birthday. I think the blog has made a bigger impact on my life than being a year older has. Ha ha.

Four pounds away from my first goal weight. I'm excited. I'm hoping to get to my second goal weight by Valentines Day. I don't plan on having a date for Valentines Day, I never do (more on that later closer to the day) but I want to look and feel better for myself. Other girls will be out with their boyfriends or dates stuffing their faces with chocolate and eating pasta at fancy restaurants. I will be at home running as fast as I can on my elliptical, burning off the calories I did not consume. Maybe Valentines Day will be my first ever fast. I've never done one before because I worry about screwing up my metabolism. If you guys have tips on how to safely fast let me know.

Today is going to be pretty boring, so I don't really have anything else interesting to say. All I'm really doing today is cleaning and probably coming up with a workout plan for the week. Hope the rest of you have more interesting days. Oh, the poll closed and I've put up a page of tips, hope its helpful.

Hi to the new follower frost_and_bones.

Love you all

Monday, January 23, 2012


CW: 160.2
GW: 155
UGW: 115

Breakfast: 2 poached eggs (147), 1 tsp paprika (6) = 153
Morning Snack: 1/2 granny smith apple (40) = 40
Lunch: 1 celery stick (6), 5 slices of cucumber (8), 1/4 sliced red bell pepper (8) = 22
Afternoon Snack: 1/2 granny smith apple (40) = 40
Dinner: vegetarian scallopine (180), 1 cup broccoli (35) = 215
Evening Snack: slice of bread (79), 1 tbsp honey butter (60) = 139

Total intake today: 609

My intake is actually a bit less than that probably. I spit out most of the cucumber and celery. Apparently I dont like celery at all and I can't eat cucumber by itself. Eventually I plan on building up a tolerance for cucumber because it's supposed to be good for you. I also cut the skin off of the apple, I'm not sure if there's even any calories in the skin, but if there are I didn't get them. I'm really paranoid about the wax that coats the apples and the pestecides that might be on the skin, it's stupid because if there were pestecides on the apple, they've probably already seeped through the skin into the apple's flesh. Maybe I cut the skin off as a more of a routine. I don't know.

I didn't gain any more weight and I didn't lose any, I just maintained. That's more than I could have asked for though considering how much I ate on the weekend. I ate an entire bag of ketchup chips, 2 bowls of vanilla frozen yogurt, 6 english muffin pizzas covered in cheese, lots of chocolate milk and some peanut butter chocolate thing my mom made, in adition to the regular amount of food I eat. For a moment I stepped out of my body and really saw myself. I looked like some otherworldy demonic creature curled up in the corner stuffing my face. To be honest it reminded me of that scene in Lord of the Rings where Gollum eats a raw rabit, it's completely animalistic and disturbing. So yah, that was what I looked like. Not something I ever want to go through again. The good news is my monthly visitor is gone and I don't have to deal with the hormones that come with it. I should't use it as an exuse for how I acted though. Next month will be different.

I'm planning my days out more thoroughly now and cramming my scedual with as much as possible so I don't have time to think about food. I've also started excercising more consistently. More weight training and running on the eliptical in the basement. We used to call it "the coat rack". That's about to change. I wan't to get to my first goal weight by Friday. My family wants to do something since we didn't get a chance to celebrate my birthday last week. They're going to want to go out to dinner, and we're going to go to a greasy chinese food buffet. Usually the birthday person gets to chose where everyone goes for their birthday dinner. I don't get to. Theres only one place I want to go, it's a shushi place near our house and it's really well priced. My younger brother doesn't "like" the smell so we can't go. It doesn't matter to them that there's almost nothing I can eat at the buffet because I'm a vegetarian. They think that its just a phase and that I'll be back to eating fat coated bloody animal flesh with the rest of them once I come to my senses. I don't eat meat because of my morals, I don't agree with the treatment of animals on factory farms and I don't like the negative environmental impacts of eating meat either. I don't try to push it on them, I'm not trying to push it on you guys either (I'm just ranting), so I don't know why they have to push eating meat on me. We drove almost two hours for my brother's birthday dinner, the place I want to go to is in town. I want to be thin enough to wear my tunic to dinner, and sit there eating nothing, to show them that they can't force the greasy food on me, and that for my birthday, for just one day of the year I would love for them to put me before him, just once a year is all I'm asking. Sorry for the rant. That was really long. To make up for it here's some thinspiration.

Love you guys,

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Small step back

CW: 160.2
GW: 155

I gained. Not a ton, but more than I would have liked. It's my own fault. I told myself over and over that I wouldn't eat chips. I did. I ate half a bag, I used to eat a whole bag when I felt like this. So I guess its good I didn't eat the whole thing. I wish I hadn't eaten any of it but oh well, I need to move on from it.

Thanks to the comment by PrettyLies I realised that I'm not taking my vitamins as often as I should and that I need more greens, I really need to take better care of myself. I went grocerie shopping with my mom and made sure to pick out lots of veggies that I know I will eat. Apples and grapefruit were on sale too so that was a plus. We got blueberries and celery, which I'm going to try for the first time in my life. I have a slight fear of trying new foods. It's not so much that I'm afraid that they're going to taste bad, I just don't want to know if I don't like them. I'd rather be in the dark about whether or not I like them than know that I don't like them for sure. That sounds really messed up. Let me try again; I like the idea of blueberries and celery, but if I don't end up liking them I'll wish I never tried them in the frist place because they seemed nice in theory. My mind is just a tad screwed up.

Hi to the new follower J. I hope you all have great weekends.

Love Emma

Friday, January 20, 2012


My mom is trying to force feed me because apparently I look too pale. A little while back I  was too stressed to eat much so now she watches me like a hawk. She doesn't know that I'm not eating much by choice now. Anything I can do to stop her? Please. I've just started making some progress and I don't want that ruined in one night.


CW: 159.6
GW: 155
UGW: 115

Breakfast: nothing (0) = 0
Lunch: 1 cup basmati rice (200), one onion (44), cooking spray (8) = 252
Dinner: my parents are having company over so hopefully I can just sneak away quietly
Snack: popcorn?
Total intake today: 252 plus whatever I eat for dinner or a snack

I'm not sad that I'm not down another whole pound today...ok I am a little sad. But its good that I even went down at all since I found out this morning that mother nature has made her monthly visit. I get really weird cravings around this time of the month, hopefully I'll be able to stop myself from binging. I'm pretty worried that I'll end up eating an entire bag of chips tonight, I usually do at this time. Last month wasn't too bad because I found a great substitute for chips. They're these roasted seaweed snacks, yah I know they sound gross. If you're a fan of sushi like I am they're not as nasty as they sound. It took me a while to get used to them, and they're pretty hard to find in the area I live in, but definitely worth it. They've got a decent amount of vitamins in them and help with cravings for salty food. Sadly I ate my supply of them last month, maybe I can make do with some air popped popcorn.

4.6 pounds until I get to wear my shirt. I might try on the jeans I talked about in my second post that got way too tight. They look really nice with leggings on underneath and its gotten freezing around my house lately so I would love to wear some layers. Hopefully they start to fit a bit better. I have to do a lot of baking this weekend so that should burn a decent amount of calories. It's going to be hard because I have to make some gluten free donuts for my brother, they may be gluten free but they're really high in sugar but so delicious. If anyone has any suggestions of low calorie food that's really filling please let me know.

Welcome to two new followers Nasimiyu and Jalen.

Anyone else tired of being the fat friend? I know I am.

Love you all,


Thursday, January 19, 2012

The magical second pound

CW: 160.2
UGW: 115

Breakfast: nothing (0) = 0
Lunch: 2 poached eggs (147), 1 tsp paprika (6) = 153
Dinner: 1 cup of basmati rice (200), one onion (44), 1 tbsp canola oil (124) = 368
Snack: white bread (79), 1 tbsp honey butter (60) = 139
Total intake today: 660

Yesterday I was bad. Not terrible, but still worse than I would have liked. I should have decided what I was going to eat for dinner beforehand. I was stupid and left it up to chance. That paired with the fact that I took a multivitamin on an empty stomach led me to eat something I swore off a long time ago. Pasta. It's my worst enemy. My mom has always said that when you're in love everything falls into place. Well I'm deeply in love with pasta and I can tell you that's completely true, everything falls right into place, and that place is my thighs. Then of course believing that I had failed miserably I decided to wash down the pasta with some frozen yogurt. Stupid, I know.

Somehow I'm magically down another pound though. Thanks to whatever higher power is out there that I at least took smaller portions and ate on smaller plates. Things could have gotten really bad if I hadn't. Today I will be better though. Willpower is important and so is structure. I'm determined to have both. I am going to structure my day and have the willpower to not mess up that structure, like I usually do. I'm exchanging my usual lunch of some delicious (but relatively low calorie) home made sushi for some poached eggs. Some protein should help get me back on track, plus the paprika is yummy and apparently it has a lot of vitamin c and aids in digestion.

I'm so happy that I'm only 5.2 pound away from my first goal weight. I tried on the goal tunic yesterday (I have no clue wtf a tunic is, but that's what the tag said) which I love, the material is really soft. It is unfortunately a large, but it has drawstrings which I can use to tighten it. The only part that's tight is the arms, sadly where I carry a lot of my weight for some weird reason. But the arms are getting loose. This is all thanks to the insane amount of baking and cooking I've been doing. We don't have a mixer so I've got to do it all the mixing myself. My brother is allergic to everything under the sun so I have to make up weird recipes for him and do a lot of cooking. It's a good thing the ingredients for the stuff he needs is so expensive or I would be snacking away while baking.

Anyways, that's a bit of a ramble. Quick shout out to the new follower Skinny,Late'. And thanks to the rest of you for your lovely comments and support. Without further ado, here's some thinspiration. It's all ballet. I really miss dance so hopefully when I'm at a healthy weight and more comfortable with my body I can take some adult classes.

 Love you all and wish you the best in your own journeys.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

One pound down

CW: 161.2
GW: 155
UGW: 115

Breakfast: white bread (79), 1 tbsp honey butter (60) = 139
Lunch: cucumber and avocado sushi (166) = 166
Dinner: pasta (221), 1 tbsp olive oil (40), garlic (4), sprinkle of paresan (11), 2 slices bread (158), butter (70) = 504
Snack: vanilla frozen yogurt (100)
Total intake today: 909 :'(

Today I'm down exactly one pound. Maybe if I had exercised more I could have gone down more, but right now I'm happy with this one pound. I'm now one pound closer to my first goal weight (and the shirt that comes with it), I'm one pound closer to my ultimate goal weight, most importantly I'm one pound closer to feeling comfortable in my own skin. I can't wait for the day when I can wake up in the morning and not feel sad when I look in the mirror. I'm going to be able to get dressed and feel good about the way I look. The day when I can finally walk out my front door without feeling like everyone is staring at me and judging me is the day when I can finally be free. That's the day when I'll become the phoenix. Not in a scary- Jean Gray destroy everyone who gets in your way and have to be killed by a really hot guy who loves you and happens to have metal claws coming out of his hands- kind of way. I'll be the phoenix in the graceful, sparkling mythical bird kind of way, rising from the ashes of a past life to become something new. So I'm very happy that I'm one step closer to that today.

Here's a quick shout out to all my followers, all four of you. Santana, LSNT, PrettyLies, and Emma. This is my first blog ever so four followers is a really big deal to me. Through reading your comments or blogs, or both, I've found that you're all beautiful and strong people and I'm so happy to have followers like you.
I thought I'd add this picture because the birds seem fitting.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Is this a pro ana blog?

CW: 162.2
GW: 155
UGW: 115

Breakfast: nothing (0) = 0
Lunch: white bread (79), 1 tbsp honey butter (60), avacado and cucumber sushi (166) = 305
Dinner: 1 cup steamed broccoli (35) = 35
Total intake today: 340

In no way would I define myself as anorexic, I'm just not thin enough. But I do have issues with eating and my weight, I have since I was about eight years old. I was in jazz-acro and about to have my picture taken with my class, the thinnest girl in the class ran up to me and said, "your mom wanted me to remind you to suck in your tummy," in front of the entire room. That was the beginning of whatever this is. Now, twelve years later I still struggle with my weight and hate my body. I quit dancing completely when I could no longer stand the sight of myself in the mirror. The other day I read through some of  my old journals from when i was a child. Did I smile while reading about old memories, about silly fights with childhood friends, about slumber parties, or about fun things I did? No. I was horrified reading how a eight year old girl hated herself and thought that no one would love her because she was fat. Skimming faster through the years I saw myself devolve. My journal entries changed from page after page rambling about how fat I was. I became reduced to a set of numbers. I was only as good as how many crunches, leg raises, or push ups I could do. This continued for years. Then in between grades 9 and 10 I saw a drastic spike in my weight. I couldn't understand it. In grade 11 I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome. I came to understand that this would make it more difficult for me to lose weight. For two years I used this as a crutch. I told myself I might as well eat whatever I want because I couldn't lose any weight. When I reached 174 pounds I should have changed. It was only when I stopped eating from stress a few months later that I realised I could control my weight. In two weeks I dropped from 174 to 163.

That changed my life. I realised that I could change. I knew it would be difficult, and that it would be painful, but I knew that I could do it. About a year after that epiphany I reverted back into my old ways. I ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and gained all of the weight back. My favourite pair of jeans didn't fit me the other day. They used to hang perfectly baggy on me, now they strain against my fat. One of the holes on the thighs actually ripped a little bit. That was a slap in the face. I'm back to restricting my diet severely and exercising in a frenzy when I feel like I'm not making progress. So is this blog pro ana? I don't know. I support the lifestyle but don't feel like I'm thin enough to be pro ana just yet.


The first post: reborn

As you can tell by the title this is my very first post. I'm excited and terrified at the same time. I'm excited because this is a very definitive step for me, the first of many, on my journey to who I know I can become. I'm also terrified because I don't know if I'll be any good at this. I don't want to disappoint any potential readers or myself. I'm afraid to fail, but for the first time in my life I will overcome that fear. I will accomplish my goals. I will not back down. I won't sit and watch life pass me by. This is me taking control of my life. If anyone is reading this I hope you will join me on this journey.