Monday, August 27, 2012


My newest addiction is going on chat sites and asking people what they think of anorexia and bulimia, and pro-ana and pro-mia. My favorite is to go onto omegle and go into the spy one where you get to ask a question and watch other people discuss it. Most people so far pity people with anorexia and bulimia, or blame them and say they brought it on themselves. I don't know that I believe that. They're just as much of an illness and depression or schizophrenia, but I know lots of people who believe that those aren't real illnesses either. Most people didn't even know what pro-ana or pro-mia were. That surprised me the most. I feel like these communities are always being closely watched and scrutinised. But I guess outside of these communities no one really notices. When it's on your mind it's all you can think about. I watch people a lot at work when they eat and think, "that girl is really thin and she's hardly eating a single thing," or, "she wolfed that down really quickly before she went to the washroom, I wonder if she really is just peeing".

An update on my life. Hung out with some friends recently. A few compliments on my weight loss- I've lost about 6 pounds since I last saw these people- so that was nice. I wish I had lost at least 10 before I saw them but I shouldn't complain. Progress is progress right. As much as I love Shaye she did the same thing as last time. As soon as I got a compliment she started going on about how she thinks that she's lost weight again and that she hasn't eaten in days. Whatever. If she has lost weight then good for her I guess, and if she hasn't then I feel bad that she's lying to get compliments. I'm a bad friend. I really do love her, she's probably my bestie. I just get crazy super competitive. Especially when I drink, I get all paranoid that everyone is trying to one up me. Also, I got a blender. I'm in crazy hardcore diet mode right now up until school starts. I have just over a week. I will be in the 130's by the time that I leave. Even if it's 139.9 I refuse to start the school year in the 140's. If anyone has any good tips of motivation for losing 4 pounds in a week that they would like to share I am definitely open. Email me or facebook me or anything. It's crunch time and I need all the help that I can get!

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Hello lovely ladies, I'm back, and with good news. After waiting and waiting for a new scale I finally got sick of it and went out and purchased one myself. Let me tell you, it is a thing of beauty. It's a weight-watcher's scale and you can program up to ten users into it. My weight has finally and miraculously gone down. When I last updated I was stuck at 147 pounds. I'm happy to report that I have finally passed my third goal weight of 145! I weighed myself at about 6 in the evening, after eating mini donuts for breakfast and everything. My new weight is 142.9 making this my new lowest weight. More fantastic news is that I recently went on two shopping trips. The first trip was with my mother and we went into forever 21. Lots of things were on sale. I didn't have much hope of finding anything good because usually all of the larger sizes go first and the pretty things are left for the teeny tiny pretty girls. There was a beautiful knee length, lacy, navy blue, pencil skirt that I absolutely adored on sale for ten dollars. The last one was a medium. Now I knew that I could get away wit a medium shirt, but skirt or pants was a whole other story. If any of you ladies out there in blogger land had ever seen the real me you would stare at the enormity that is my ass and wonder how on earth I didn't topple backwards since I don't have the chest to balance it out. Anyways, my mother convinced me to try the medium on. I thought that I would end up like all of those other times at the mall in a changing room; reduced to tears and pulling at fatty chunks on my body sobbing "why oh why". Not this time. The skirt slipped easily over my head and rested nicely on hips. There's a slight pooch of a stomach but that's nothing that top controlling shorts or a quick fast can't fix. :p The second trip to the mall was today with Shaye. She convinced me to try on a mini skirt and corset. Doesn't really sound like my style does it? There were two styles of corsets that I wanted to try on, the first there was only a small left, and the second I decided to try a medium. The first fit surprisingly well, it was too lacy so I went with the more simple solid black second corset. The medium was loose so I grabbed a small on my way to the counter. When I got home and tried it on I was shocked. It didn't fit. Too loose still. My boobs have gotten even smaller than I thought lol.

Sorry for the extremely long post but I'm extremely excited.


Vampire: Awe thanks :) That means a lot to me

Emma: I hope it's soon that I meet someone, my friends have really creepy guys that they want to hook me up with :p I feel like sizes are all over the place depending on the store and even the design of the shirt, which kind of sucks cause it makes telling how much progress is made difficult. OOOh i think i read some of your writing on your blog about the story where you needed to be 112 again or something like that, I can't remember too well it was a while ago, but it was really great!! I got more low cal hot chocolate so I'm saved lol.

LittleMissFairy: I think I will take it up again thanks, no bombs though. You're right it's not really my thing lol. I saw one of Venus' drawings, the one with all the bitchy people standing around the sad girl in the middle. It broke my heart and it was so good. I'll post if I do anything decent, definitely won't be as good as hers but I'll try :)

Monday, August 13, 2012

Still no new scale, and it's driving me insane. I got my period and I'm completely off my rocker. I'm going back on the pill and it's really messing with my hormones and my head. My mom said I felt thinner when she hugged me. I doubt it. I bought a new shirt today. It's a large, it fits baggy, which is what I wanted. I would rather a medium fit me baggy but oh well, The xtra large was like a tent so thats good i guess. I read a book today and it made me feel really lonely. One of those fluffy bubblegum pink sparkly books where the boy and the girl live happily ever after. I want that. I want that so bad it hurts. I feel like I should start drawing again. I used to draw all the time when I was little but I stopped because no matter how good people told me I was I didn't believe them. Never could. If i do start to draw again I can't show anyone because no matter what they say, good or bad, i just cant handle it. its a piece of yourself when you draw and i dont want people to see that. well maybe all of you out there in bloggerland. the anonymity makes me feel safe i guess. I'm hormonal and want chocolate.


Vampire: Thanks, its a big list but I'm working on it. I'm going to study to be like a secretary type thing, idk its hard to explain

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Still no new scale. My mom might be picking one up tonight though. That would be for the best. I can stop calorie counting and weighing myself for a few days before I go crazy, but I can't stop doing just one. I have this need to see how they impact each other. Ate 889 yesterday plus one small piece of fudge because I got my monthly visitor, and it was either the fudge or an entire bag of chips, so that was the lesser of two evils. So far today I'm at 580 calories, so just a light dinner and I should be good.

Update on the list of stuff to be done
Finished: bought my desk, found mom's credit card (it was under a pile of paint samples on my dresser), I paid my phone bill, I went to the library and paid my overdue fines, I went to the mailbox yesterday but I have to go everyday, same with walking the dog

Still to do: pay back loans from university, get college class scedual, college orientation, buy my bookshelf, pay mom back for desk, save for bookshelf, clean my room, clean my fishtank, get my fish a friend, I need to find more healthy low calorie recipes that are filling, I need to deposit my paycheck, I need to check the mailbox everyday, I need to walk my dog more often because she's getting fat, I need to get my skin clear, I need to get back to school supplies, and on and on and on...

So that's progress, but I'm sure the list of things to do has grown and I don't even know it yet. Hopefully I'll get some more things crossed off the list today and tomorrow so I can relax a little bit on monday.


Flawed  Design: sorry i wrote that as i was going to eat exactly that amount of calories every day, what i meant was if i eat about that many, just because thats how many i ate yesterday , idk i wrote that kind of messed up, my bad :p  I would love to be 138 in five weeks, hopefully it happens for both of us :) the list is probably going to multiply by tomorrow lol 

Friday, August 10, 2012

I don't know what I weigh. The scale is broken. I NEED to know what I weigh. Got a new ipod, so I can track my calories on the go now. The scanner really comes in handy. I plan to eat 889 calories today. I know that seems like a lot but apparently if i eat that much every day in five weeks I will weigh 138.5 pounds. That seems really reasonable. That seems really achievable. Some days I might end up eating less. I feel like there's a never ending list of stuff that I need to get done. I need to pay back my loans from university, i need to get my class scedual for college, I need to go to orientation for college, I need to buy my desk, I need to buy a bookshelf, I need to save enough money for both of those things, I need to find my moms credit card, I need to clean my room, I need to clean my fishtank, I need to get a new fish so my fish isnt alone, I need to find more healthy low calorie recipes that are filling, I need to pay my phone bill, I need to deposit my paycheck, I need to stop by the library to see if they found the book I thought I returned. I need to check the mailbox everyday, I need to walk my dog more often because she's getting fat, I need to get my skin clear, I need to get back to school supplies, and on and on and on...

There's no effing time!


Vampire: Ugh thanks, it's just that my plate is so full right now, once I get things a bit more organised I should hopefully have some more relaxing days. Your comments are always so sweet :)

Santana: :D I haven't heard from you in so long or seen any updates on your blog on a while, I thought you stopped blogging and had dissapeared, I'm so gald to hear from you

Thursday, August 02, 2012

My brother's new girlfriend is a twig who doesn't eat. I just did another test at the college I'm attending in the fall, it didn't go well. I baked cookies tonight and managed not to binge. I went to a farmers market and had a minor anxiety attack and almost fainted. I think I'm going to go back to church. I made a lot of mistakes lately. Hopefully less in the future.

Well that's it, that's the update on my life.


Vampire: It was such a great day, none like it since, but hopefully soon :)