Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Is this a pro ana blog?

CW: 162.2
GW: 155
UGW: 115

Breakfast: nothing (0) = 0
Lunch: white bread (79), 1 tbsp honey butter (60), avacado and cucumber sushi (166) = 305
Dinner: 1 cup steamed broccoli (35) = 35
Total intake today: 340

In no way would I define myself as anorexic, I'm just not thin enough. But I do have issues with eating and my weight, I have since I was about eight years old. I was in jazz-acro and about to have my picture taken with my class, the thinnest girl in the class ran up to me and said, "your mom wanted me to remind you to suck in your tummy," in front of the entire room. That was the beginning of whatever this is. Now, twelve years later I still struggle with my weight and hate my body. I quit dancing completely when I could no longer stand the sight of myself in the mirror. The other day I read through some of  my old journals from when i was a child. Did I smile while reading about old memories, about silly fights with childhood friends, about slumber parties, or about fun things I did? No. I was horrified reading how a eight year old girl hated herself and thought that no one would love her because she was fat. Skimming faster through the years I saw myself devolve. My journal entries changed from page after page rambling about how fat I was. I became reduced to a set of numbers. I was only as good as how many crunches, leg raises, or push ups I could do. This continued for years. Then in between grades 9 and 10 I saw a drastic spike in my weight. I couldn't understand it. In grade 11 I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome. I came to understand that this would make it more difficult for me to lose weight. For two years I used this as a crutch. I told myself I might as well eat whatever I want because I couldn't lose any weight. When I reached 174 pounds I should have changed. It was only when I stopped eating from stress a few months later that I realised I could control my weight. In two weeks I dropped from 174 to 163.

That changed my life. I realised that I could change. I knew it would be difficult, and that it would be painful, but I knew that I could do it. About a year after that epiphany I reverted back into my old ways. I ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and gained all of the weight back. My favourite pair of jeans didn't fit me the other day. They used to hang perfectly baggy on me, now they strain against my fat. One of the holes on the thighs actually ripped a little bit. That was a slap in the face. I'm back to restricting my diet severely and exercising in a frenzy when I feel like I'm not making progress. So is this blog pro ana? I don't know. I support the lifestyle but don't feel like I'm thin enough to be pro ana just yet.

Love,
Emma

6 comments:

  1. Hello Miss Emma. I totally relate to the body issues since you were young, though with me, I was a twig, then puberty hit and I gained like 15-20 pounds. As far as the "pro-ana" thing, I get the desire to lose weight and that's good, but think realistically and don't get too sucked in. Fasting for 3 days isn't gonna magically drop 10 lbs.

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  2. Don't worry I'm not going to go too far. I know my healthy weight and want to reach it but I'm not looking for a magical solution and I know it won't happen overnight. I know this will take time and effort. Thanks for the support. :)

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  3. Emma <3 What a lovely name ;)
    That is horrible, what happened at dance. But I know you'll reach your goals and be so happy <3
    -Emma

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    1. Thanks so much for the support. I agree, Emma is such a wonderful name :p

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  4. Hi Emma.
    I'm so sorry about your horrible experiences and hearing how bad you felt about yourself already at the age of 8 made me sad.
    Besides that, I must say that I totally get what your saying. When I was 11 years old my struggle with weight started for real, but I have always seen myself as fat, trying to loose weight.

    Good luck with everything, stray strong and you'll reach you goal.
    - thanks for the lovely comment ♥

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  5. I think its terrible how many young girls are made to feel that way about their bodies at a young age. Thanks for the support and the comment. <3

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