Tuesday, March 27, 2012

First Goal Weight

CW`: 154.6
GW: 150
UGW: 115

I finally made it to my first goal weight! I can't believe I finally made it. Hopefully it won't take as long to make it to my second goal weight. I'm happy because I've finally made it here, but disappointed because it's taken so long. 4.6 pounds until my next goal weight. I can do this, and I won't take months to do it this time either. As the weather gets warmer it gets easier to lose weight because there's more calorie burning activities to do. This year I'm going to have a vegetable garden and all the weeding is apparently really good for your core with all the bending and whatnot. Plus you don't crave winter comfort foods like creamy soups, hot chocolate and massive amounts of salt. Spring and summer I crave lighter foods and the sugars that come from fruits naturally. The biggest motivation that comes along with the warm weather is shorts. I don't know how I'm going to avoid them this year. The thought scares the living shit out of me. I made a massive  mistake when I was extremely depressed. If it was just one scar I could blame it on a bad fall or my dog, but there isn't any way I can blame over 20 scars on that. Regret follows me everywhere now. Looking back I don't know why I chose my calf. I'm glad it wasn't my wrists because I didn't and still don't want to die. But I don't know why I couldn't do it on my hipbones like I used to. I can't wear a bathing suit, I can't wear shorts, I can't wear skirts or dresses without dark pantyhose or leggings, I can't wear capris. I can't even wear a towel out of the bathroom after a shower during the quick walk to my bedroom or there would be too many questions. When they've faded more and don't look so precise and uniform I guess I'll blame them on climbing a fence gone wrong or something like that. Ladies I'm begging you all, if you cut, please stop. It's a terrible coping mechanism that leaves you with physical and emotional scars that can be worse than the ones that you're trying to escape. I know it's stupid hearing this from me and it may not make a difference, heck I even had someone who cared about me a whole lot begging me not to ever do it again and I didn't listen, but please try and understand where I'm coming from. These scars aren't something that just disappear. They're with you for life and they bring a lot of unwelcome questions down the road. I really value honesty, so one day if I meet the man of my dreams and he asks me where I got the scars I don't know what I'm going to tell him. These scars aren't something you can hide forever.

Sorry for the insanely long and preachy post but I had to get that off my chest.

Love you all so much,


  1. amazing, Em! you're astounding. :) i reread your blog from down to up. can totally relate to you, my dear. :D
    it's a breath of sunshine when you make it. you're gonna see 150 in no time. for me, dropping down from 154 to 150 took me around a good five or six days. that's all you need really ^^.
    true! but i hate it when i crave frozen yoghurt in the same. gah! then again. fro-yo doesn't go up very badly. 120 for a medium ^^. and 140 for a large. however, the toppings...that's my weakness there.
    i think with scars some people use something to get rid of them. there are many anti-scar treatments. you should give them a go regardless. :/
    happily, my destructive habit is purging rather than cutting. if there's any damage, it's pretty much internal (not sure if that's better or worse now that i mention it like that).
    it's alright, beautiful.
    good luck on seeing 150. :D you and i are around the same weights (149.8, give or take).
    -Sam Lupin

    1. Awe thanks so much, I'm definetly going to have to check out your blog. Hopefully I can get to 150 in a decent amount of time, I don't know if I can do it in five or six days but who knows, maybe there will be a miracle lol. I can't wait for the ice cream place near my house to open up, last year they got a fro-yo machine and it's amazing. Sadly they're only open in the summer. I should find out how to make some at home!
      I have been using something on the scars. Lots of vitamin e oil. I've used like 1/4 of the bottle already and it's pretty big. Twice a day I put it on the scars and it has been helping. They're half as bad as they would be without it. All forms of self destrucktion suck, but its so hard to stop :(

      Thanks so much for your support <3

  2. I so know what you mean about the scars. I have loads all over my thighs, like literally from hip to knee, so I always have to wear fairly thick dark tights if I wear a dress. I so want to be able to wear nude tights or none at all with shorts or a skirt if I ever get my weight down enough, but I doubt I'll be able to cos of my scars.
    I've been using bio oil stuff but it's barely made a difference :/
    Stay strong lovely xx

  3. Bio-Oil! Its the best treatment there is! It worked wonders on all of my stretch marks on my thighs and boobs from growing and on the scars on my arm and wrists.

    another thing that works is the sun, tanning masks them slightly...Is it possible for you to get out into the garden when nobody is home? idk if a sun bed would work but you could try it? I know the doctors recomend sun beds for people with sariasis as it helps get rid of it a bit and those scars go :/

    No harm in trying :)

    -Love C


  4. I myself have self harmed since middle school. Recently I have pretty much stopped, but I can't say the urge won't resurface some day. I think self harm will stop, not when a person decides to stop but when the reason for self harm gets fixed. I have scars that are thick and white, ones that will never disappear or fade, and I have them all over my arms and legs. But I'll still wear a swimsuit.
    When people ask me where I got them I either tell them where to put it or say I cut myself and shrug. I used to hide them like crazy but it got old and I want to go to the pool every once in a while. If I ever went for a family reunion though, that would be a whole different story.
    <3 xoxo

  5. Oh fail I forgot to say this in the other comment but congratulations and good luck! You actually just passed my own current goal.

  6. I cut myself for three years. I stopped sometime last year for the sake of my boyfriend... he dumped me 2weeks ago, but I still haven't gone back to that method - I am glad for that. I was put in councelling because of it and I've always got my mothers eyes on me, so I know what you mean.
    BTW, I suggest Bio Oil for them - that's what I use, and they've faded soooo much because of it.
    However, I'm not ashamed of mine. I don't like having to explain it to people who don't care, but I'm not going to lie, and I'm certainly not going to lie to someone I care about.
    The scars are a symbol of a part of my life and a reminder of what I've over come - I had severe depression and survived 4 suicide attempts.
    Now, sure sometimes I hate them and use concealer to cover them, but when I'm upset, I can look at them and know I've overcome a great deal worse and I can do it again, and that eventually I'll be ok.... It wasn't like this for a long time, but nowadays it is.

    I can only hope you don't hate yourself too much for it sometime in the future.
    Stay strong xx