Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Are you still there?

It's been a while. I'm sorry. I've been so stressed and had given up, but that's no excuse. I'll try and rationalize away the guilt I feel anyways. If any of you are still reading this prepare for a very long post.

CW: 153.4
GW: 150
UGW: 115

Here's my current stats just to get that out of  the way. I've gone down a bit, that's good. I don't feel good about it though. I feel hollow about it. I lost weight because I've been sick, nothing wants to stay in my stomach for very long. If weight loss wasn't a result of a concious decision to lose weight, if it didn't come from meticulous planning and extensive calorie counting then it isn't a victory. In my eyes this is a loss. This is my body betraying me. It is saying "try as hard as you can but it won't do you any good at all, you'll just be starving and still be bloated, but when you finally give up and give in you won't ain a single pound, in fact you'll lose weight, it won't be because of anything that you've done though because your hard work gets you no where, it won't ever get you anywhere."

Is it easy to tell how miserable I am right now? There's a reason for that. Many reasons actually. I'm looking at going back to school, the thought of it terrifies me. I failed so terribly the last time why should I even bother again? It's one thing to give up, that's fine and kind of numb. But to coax yourself into trying, slowly building yourself up from the last time you fell apart, only to have the whole thing shatter into a million fragments at the very moment you fit the last piece back in...that's a pain I don't know if I can deal with again. Another thing is that someone is lying to me, I can't go into the details about it but I was honest and I'm having that thrown back in my face. Third, my dad is being a jerk lately. I've been trying my hardest to help around the house more and all he does is yell at me. In fact I know he's going to yell at me about the second thing that I listed, he's going to say that it's all my fault.

The last thing that's making me miserable is my ex boyfriend. I just found out he's dating someone new. That hurts. He said that he loved me. He said that he would wait for me. I knew that I didn't love him back, and I didn't want him to wait for me. Not like that. He was a great friend and I just wanted things to go back to the way that they were before. I told him that I wasn't ready for a relationship at this point in my life, the truth is that I was ready for a relationship, I just didn't believe that it should be with him. We did want the same things, we had very similar plans for our lives, we had so much in common, but...there's always a but. We were technically compatible in that way, but there was never that extra something that meant that it was love. It's selfish of me to be upset that he's moved on, especially since that's what I wanted. To have him be the first to find someone new hurts. I broke up with him so I should be the first one dating right? I can't believe how vain and petty I can be. I can't stop wondering what she looks like, I keep wondering if she's thinner than me...

Love Emma

1 comment:

  1. you're so close, babe. <3
    so close.
    and i don't get that sick anymore. i don't need to. i'm like a great purger ^_^ (doesn't count but hey!)
    you sound so distressed darling.
    ah! there is something bothering you.
    *sigh* i am so sorry you feel so desolate, mi petite angle. je suis tres desole pour ca.
    comment ca va aujourd'hui?
    men. are. pigs.
    and fuck them all.
    that's why i insist on sticking with women. that and i nearly cringe every time i think of the male reproductive system.
    -Sam Lupin