I can do this

Sticking with the goal to be 155 by next Monday. I weighed in at 157.8 today. So that's 2.7 pounds in 6 days, or 0.45 pounds a day. I can do this. I know it seems like a really small and insignificant goal, but maybe that's what I need. I'm actually surprised that my weight went down this morning. We went out to a buffet last night for my dad's birthday finally. I was really dreading going out and just wanted to get it done and over with. I ended up wearing a dress I got at forever 21 (as you can probably tell by most of my goal clothes it's my favourite store) a while ago. It's a medium and I was sceptical when I bought it because I had just lost a lot of water weight at the time and was worried that I would gain it all back and that the dress would look horrible. Magically when I put the dress on yesterday it gaped a little bit at the back, even better it didn't stretch across my bum anymore. I carry most of my weight on my bum and on my thighs so that's a huge deal for me.

Anyways, I'm off to try a new recipe I found for 100 calorie chocolate cupcakes. If it's any good I'll add it to my recipe page since it's still pretty empty.

Love Emma

Getting back on track

I stepped onto my Wii Fit Balance board for the first time in over a year. I would just like to say wow. It really sucks how they show how fat your Mii is. The family friend I mentioned earlier (we'll call her Kim) has a Mii too, it stands next to mine in the plaza thing, and it looks like a bobble head. Mine on the other hand looks so chubby. The good thing is that it's not as chubby as it used to be. I weighed in yesterday at 158.6 which is a big difference than the 170 that I weighed last time I used the Wii. It was really nice to see the number I used to be and the number I am now. I went to buy my excercise bike yesterday but the store was out of stock. I'm going to see if I can find a decent used one online maybe.

I have a weird new eating system. I make sure that my breakfast is under 200 calories, and that my lunch is under 300 and then dinner I don't count. Usually that's because my parents cooked it so I have no idea of the calorie content. This week it's because I got my monthly visit and I'm bloated and want everything deep fried and slathered in salt. I've been pretty decent though because I usually work through dinner time so I can't eat too much. I figure that with this system I'll slowly eat better meals working my way from breakfast through to dinner. So for like a week or however long I'll focus on eating better breakfasts. I'll find as many healthy, low calorie, rich in vitamin breakfast options as I can and focus on eating them, getting used to them and making them a part of my daily routine. When I don't have to conciously think "today I'm going to eat ... because it is good for me and is low in calories" and it just becomes second nature I will move on and do the same thing with lunch. I don't know if this will work but hopefully it will, nothing else has yet.

My goal for this week is to be 155 by next monday. That gives me just over a week to lose 3.6 pounds. It is a very reasonable goal which is why I think that I will be able to accomplish it. Hopefully when I do accomplish it my confidence will grow a bit and that will help me with whatever goal I set for myself next week.

Love all of you wonderful ladies,
Emma

Laziness

Lately I've been really lazy, but today I woke up and was full of energy. I got up and made myself a bowl of oatmeal (thank you so much HeatherMB for the tip, mines not as low cal as yours but it's a start) which I've discovered that I love. I thought it was going to be like crunchy oats in warm water, but it was nice and soft and mushy which I loved. I put a little bit of cinnamon and brown sugar on it, I know I know, adding sugar to things is just stupid. I want to get a brown sugar like artificial sweetener so that's on my to do list. If anyone knows any good ones that aren't too bad for you let me know :)

So I've been cutting up veggies constantly for my dad. He's not on his diet yet, he says he won't until after we go to the buffet, which might be never because there's never a time when my whole family is off work. I've been trying to get him to eat more fruits and veggies and stop eating chips. So far it's going okay. My mom is really happy that I'm doing this because every time that she mentions his weight to him he gets extremely defensive and thinks that she wants a divorce. He's just a tad oversensitive about it. I'm really glad that he's starting to eat a bit better, but at the same time I feel bad. Is it fair for me to look down on him for his weight when I'm hardly better. I'm no where near as heavy as he is, but still, I'm not perfect. Time to get my butt in gear.

My goal for the next week is to eat 1000 calories a day or less. I figure that way I can eat less if I'm not hungry, but if I do get up to 1000 I don't feel terrible and then give up. I need to stick with it for at least a week and ten maybe I can try something a bit more difficult.

I'm off to clean since I'm so full of energy today! Hi to all the new followers Ally, OceanicMelody73, Zasha, Gun_Metal_Barbie, Aurora Ate, Jinx ANA UnRiddled, and Alice, thanks for following.

Love you all and hope you're all having a lovely thursday,
Emma

Waffle

My parents got an old waffle maker from my grandma. Damn. I feel like a beached whale right now. I'm all fat and stuck on the sand, there's a nice tide trying to pull me back out to the ocean but it can't because I'm so big. If I wasn't such a massive whale it would be able to pull me back into the ocean, but I'm stuck. ...that was weird.

On a happier not I'm getting my exercise bike soon. I've been saving up my money for a while now and one of the stores in my area is having a sale on one, so I can get it for 98 dollars. Then I'm going to get one of those book holders for exercise equipment that's like 7 dollars on ebay and I'm all set. Gonna get in shape by reading and biking so that in the summer I can actually bike for real to the library instead of waiting around for someone to take me, cause I won't have the car in the summer, my brother works like all day every day.

Some old family friends stayed for a visit last night. Their daughter who's my age has been one of my closest friends since we were kids, but I don't get to see her very often because they live so far away. Anyways, she was here tonight and weighed about 98 pounds, was stick thin, and I sat there feeling like crap. Then I ate more because I felt sorry for myself. Why? Why on earth would I do that? What is wrong with me? Going grocery shopping tomorrow so I'll get lots of healthy foods and no junk food, my dad is going on his diet soon so hopefully he'll make sure theres less junk in the house too.

Hope you all had a great weekend
Love Emma

Back on track

For the past couple of days I've weighed in at 160 or higher and it was really getting me down. Now I'm down to 159.2 which doesn't seem like a lot but being in the 150s again really means a lot to me. I feel a lot better now that I'm back in the 150s and I'm ready to give being thin my all again. Yesterday my boss said he'd get me a large shirt and I felt so ashamed. It was so hard not to cry. Then I got home and was like "I'm already fat so I might as well eat like it" and ate so much chocolate. My grandma got me chocolates for valentines day, which was really sweet of her but it's hard to have them and not be tempted. They're very high calorie and sugar, but I do need to finish them because I feel aweful about throwing out food. I just feel insanely guilty, plus my family doesn't have a lot of money so throwing out food seems like a slap in the face to my parents. I would give them to my mom but she doesn't eat chocolate, my dad's about to start some crazy intense diet so my mom will kill me if I pawn them off on him and my brother can't have the milk in them. Oh well. I'll just suck it up and eat one a day, so that's 110 calories extra. I'll just have to be extra careful about my other meals. My parents are really starting to crack down on saving money because we had to buy an extra car so that my brother and I can get to work. It's a really cheap run down car, but it still cost more than they would have liked. AHHH! Stressing about money does not help with my anxiety, and my anxiety makes me want comfort food. This is no help. Anyone have any good recipes for food that's somehow comforting, filling, low calorie, and inexpensive? I feel like I'm asking for a miracle.

Hope all of you lovely ladies are having a good weekend
Love Emma

Sucks

It really sucks to be me right now. I would love to be someone with more willpower, someone who could say no to the bread soaked in butter, who could say no to the chocolate cake, no to deep fried evil, someone who could say yes to working out, and yes to feeling more confident, yes to being thin. Sadly I am not that person. I'm done trying. In honor of Star Wars coming out in 3D here's a Yoda quote, and it's going be my new motivation, "Do, or do not...there is no try." I haven't posted anything in a few days because I've been ashamed of myself and my weight gain. Too bad for me. Tomorrow morning I'm getting on the scale again and I'm going to post the number here for all of you to see. Heckling is encouraged, I think I really need that kick in the pants. No more slacking off, no more putting things off. Saturday my family is probably going to a buffet. I need self control by then. How long does it take to make or break a habit?

Stripes and poka dots thinspiration.

Proving that it's not the clothes that make you look fat, it's you that makes you look fat. Don't blame the stripes or poka dots, because on skinny girls they're beautiful.

Not so much on the bigger people.

Love you all and hope that you're doing better than I am,
Emma

Day one

I have no idea any of the calories in anything I ate yesterday because my mom decided to be Betty Crocker. So I'm starting today.

CW: 158.6

Breakfast: weird chocolate peanut butter thingy (200) =200
Lunch: 1  slice white bread (79), 1 tbsp honey butter (60) = 139
Dinner: granny smith apple (80) = 80
Snacks: 1/3 cup of 1% milk to put in my tea (34) = 34
Total = 453

Calories: 453 = 20 points
Water: way more than 2 litres = 20 points
Exercise: an hour of sit ups, lunges, and leg raises after work = 20 points
Sleep: 9 hours = 20 points
Total points today = 80

Sorry if this post is mostly calculations. It helps me to keep my thoughts organised and I can look back at this later and see what I was up to at this time. My mom told me the other day that she thinks I look like I lost weight. Kind of made me feel like shit because this was after I gained a bit back and it all went straight to my stomach. Ew. Plus, I always feel like whenever she makes comments about my weight it's backwards. Like she says I look like I've lost weight whenever I gain, and she's got eating issues herself. Our family doctor wanted to admit her to the hospital at one point from malnutrition and she needed to sit on a pillow because her butt got so boney she couldn't sit on the wooden chairs in the kitchen anymore without being in pain. She's unhappy in her marriage because my dad has gotten so fat, I can't blame her for that really because it's insane how fat he's gotten. He can't even move without grunting because it takes him so much effort. I have the same crappy metabolism as him, and when I was younger everyone used to say how I looked like him. I NEVER want to look like him ever. Back to the backwards compliment thing, I just feel like ever time she tells me I look good inside she's saying "you'll never be as good as me". She's like mid forties and weighs 128 (I think she's lying and weighs less than that), she's pretty tall and gave birth. That's great stats for someone her age. Like she has really wide hipbones but can still wear a size five that fits her perfectly. I haven't worn anything less than a size 7 since the 5th grade. She's always pushing me to eat too, what the hell? I feel like she's trying to keep me fat. Well no more of that. I will be lower than 128. No girl wants to be fatter than her mother.

Love you all,
Emma

10 day challenge...I think

CW: 158.6 (yikes)
GW: 155
UGW: 115

Doing the 10 day challenge...I think. In my last post I mentioned that I wanted to do some kind of diet plan or challenge ad stillimagining suggested the 10 day challenge, I googled it because I wasn't sure which one that was and came up with a lot of results. I think this is the one she meant though, if not I think I'll still do it because there's a pretty bow on the picture and I'm a sucker for all things adorable.

Here's a question for all of you ladies out there, I'm not big on exercise but I do do it (tee hee "do do") when my family is out, this week they're sticking around a lot and ask too many questions when I work out, they know I hate it and think it's invasion of the body snatchers every time I pick up a weight or step on the elliptical. Does playing Wii count, Wii fit would obviously count or any of the other workout games. I got Zelda: Twilight Princess and I love it, I don't sit on my ass the whole time, like I'm really into it, kind of unnecessarily into it because it's one of those games you can play sitting on your but, but I like jump around and stuff because I'm weird like that. Does that count towards the exercise?

Now I want to take a little time to bemoan my current weight gain situation. stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid. Ok that is out of my system now and can move foreword, also the word stupid looks really funny to me now. Like when you say a word so many times it starts to sound weird. I should probably get checked for add or adhd, I'm not sure what the difference is but people have told me that I have both, and I tend to ramble and lose my train of thought and get distracted easily.

Pink thinspo to go with the bow!!

                                                        Her hair looks like bubble gum :)

Love you all
Emma

ps. I'll update tonight to let you know how I did points wise

New Years

It's a little late to be writting my new years resolutions, but I'm going to do it anyways. If I write them online it makes them more real, and I feel like if you guys all know them I'll be more motivated to do them. This is a rough list, if any of you have any of your own resolutions that you want to share or have any suggestions for my list have at it. So here's my list, and instead of writing out a simple list I'm going to give a breif explanation of each because I'm difficult like that :p

1. Weight Loss- that one's obvious, I wan't get to my UGW this year, and 130 at the most by summer
2. Come up with more recipes- I love messing around in the kitchen and coming up with new recipes or improve on existing recipes to make them lower calorie
3. Learn to play piano- pianists always have the most slender, graceful fingers, I used to play when I was younger but forgot so I want to get back into it
4. Be more friendly- it's hard to be friendly and outgoing when you're an introvert like me so I'm going to try to change that a bit, whether it's with the friends I already have, new people I meet, or being more supportive to you lovely ladies
5. Be a better person- I tend to be very selfish, it's not on purpose but I still don't like it, so I'll try to do at least one random act of kindness every day
6. Stay committed to being healthy- this means taking my vitamins every day, not on the off chance that I remember, and exercising on a more regular basis

I plan on doing some sort of eating challenge, maybe the one with the point system, or the abc one or something. If anyone wants to do one of them with me let me know!

Hi to new follower Dainty. And to the rest of you, thank you so much for all of your encouraging comments and I love reading your blogs.

Love you ladies, stay strong
Emma

ps. I've got a facebook under the name Emma Phoenix now if you want to check it out, idk

GRRRR

I'm so angry with myself. I lost all self control and binged for pretty much the whole week straight. I feel so disgusting right now. Starting tomorrow I will have amazing self control. I would say today but the day started out with a brownie, ugh. I'm going to be good the rest of today though, so it's not like I'm saying "oh it's okay if I eat badly today because my diet starts tomorrow". I'm saying "oh I'll do my best today but it didn't start out well so I'm not going to count it, but I'm still going to be as good as I possibly can to get a jump start on my diet" kind of thing. Not stepping on the scale today, way way too afraid to do that. I know I shouldn't be afraid of the scale. The scale isn't evil or bad, the scale is impersonal. When it comes to me getting on the scale the only thing that I should be afraid of is me, because I'm the one who did good or bad. The scale isn't some evil entity bent on destroying my self confidence by showing me increasing numbers. The only one who is sabotaging me is me.

Sorry about the ramble, I tend to do that a lot so I'll apologise now for future rambles too. On a happier note I went shopping last weekend and bought pretty new clothes. For years all I wore was like blue, then all I wore was dark browns, greens and black. I'm tired of looking like a smurf, and of looking like a funeral director. When I went shopping I told myself to get something bright and that made me feel pretty and happy. So I bought lots of fun coloured things, lots of lavender and teal. I'm getting some big purple nerdy glasses at the end of this month after my optometrist appointment and I wanted clothes to go with the glasses. A family friend introduced me to a site where you can get glasses for like 20 dollars so I'm going to get a few pairs, yay. I thought instead of trying to bury away my inner nerd like I've been doing for pretty much ever ( I was the kid in middle school with glasses, braces, and frizzy hair, yikes! and the second the braces were gone I got contacts and a flat iron) and embrace my inner nerd. I watched Chipwrecked a while back and was like "man when I was little I wanted to be just like Jeanette". Obviously I don't want to be a chipmunk, but I do want to be more like the little girl I used to be who thought that being smart was cool. Another ramble, see I told you! I do it way too much.

Anyways I hope all of you lovely ladies have a great weekend. Hey to new followers little miss fairy, aiamire, Jay, HeatherMB, Sophie, Pretty-Unpretty, and Molly. Some of you have been following for a while and have left me some lovely comments but I haven't officially welcomed you to my blog yet. Here's some pics to say sorry for not blogging very often this week. Hippy thinspiration YAY!

Love you all,
Emma