First Goal Weight

CW`: 154.6
GW: 150
UGW: 115

I finally made it to my first goal weight! I can't believe I finally made it. Hopefully it won't take as long to make it to my second goal weight. I'm happy because I've finally made it here, but disappointed because it's taken so long. 4.6 pounds until my next goal weight. I can do this, and I won't take months to do it this time either. As the weather gets warmer it gets easier to lose weight because there's more calorie burning activities to do. This year I'm going to have a vegetable garden and all the weeding is apparently really good for your core with all the bending and whatnot. Plus you don't crave winter comfort foods like creamy soups, hot chocolate and massive amounts of salt. Spring and summer I crave lighter foods and the sugars that come from fruits naturally. The biggest motivation that comes along with the warm weather is shorts. I don't know how I'm going to avoid them this year. The thought scares the living shit out of me. I made a massive  mistake when I was extremely depressed. If it was just one scar I could blame it on a bad fall or my dog, but there isn't any way I can blame over 20 scars on that. Regret follows me everywhere now. Looking back I don't know why I chose my calf. I'm glad it wasn't my wrists because I didn't and still don't want to die. But I don't know why I couldn't do it on my hipbones like I used to. I can't wear a bathing suit, I can't wear shorts, I can't wear skirts or dresses without dark pantyhose or leggings, I can't wear capris. I can't even wear a towel out of the bathroom after a shower during the quick walk to my bedroom or there would be too many questions. When they've faded more and don't look so precise and uniform I guess I'll blame them on climbing a fence gone wrong or something like that. Ladies I'm begging you all, if you cut, please stop. It's a terrible coping mechanism that leaves you with physical and emotional scars that can be worse than the ones that you're trying to escape. I know it's stupid hearing this from me and it may not make a difference, heck I even had someone who cared about me a whole lot begging me not to ever do it again and I didn't listen, but please try and understand where I'm coming from. These scars aren't something that just disappear. They're with you for life and they bring a lot of unwelcome questions down the road. I really value honesty, so one day if I meet the man of my dreams and he asks me where I got the scars I don't know what I'm going to tell him. These scars aren't something you can hide forever.

Sorry for the insanely long and preachy post but I had to get that off my chest.

Love you all so much,
Emma

One pound to go

CW: 156.0
GW: 155
UGW: 115

I've got one pound until I reach my first goal weight. This is pretty exciting. It's taken an insanely long time but I've finally almost made it. Long walks and lots of veggies today to help get me there. Finally doing something on my whole agenda thing I planned out for the blog; it's thursday so here's some thinspiration.

Love all of you wonderful ladies
Emma

Sick

CW: 156.4
GW: 155
UGW: 115

Breakfast: oatmeal (150), light brown sugar (15), pinch of cinnamon (1) = 166
Lunch: tea with splash of milk  (50), fried egg (92), white bread (145) = 289
Dinner: don't know yet
Snacks: don't know yet

Got the flu. I feel so disgusting and I don't want to touch anything because I feel so contaminated. My weight hasn't gone up in the past few days, but it hasn't gone down either. I need to be 140 by the time that everyone comes home for summer break. Last summer I got down to 153 right after everyone left. Then I went back up a lot. Going back down now though. Hopefully I'll be 155 by monday. I'm not going to push myself too hard so that I don't quit.

I've been exercising again. Lots of crunches and lunges. As soon as I get a sports bra I'm going to start going for jogs because it's gotten warmer outside and while I might hate my new house, there is a lot of nice scenery around for runs. There's a really nice one at lululemon that I want; it's purple. I really need to get my arms in shape.

Still no measuring tape

CW: 156.4
GW: 155
UGW: 115

Breakfast: oatmeal (150), 1 tsp light brown sugar (15), pinch of cinnamon (1) = 166
Lunch: 15 sugar snap pea pods (21) = 21
Dinner: 2 slices white bread (), 1 tbsp peanut butter (), 2 tbsp raspberry jam () =
Snack: ?

I still don't have a measuring tape but I will be looking for one today. My mom thinks she knows where the box that has all of our sewing stuff is packed. If I find it I will update with measurements. I'm so glad that my weight went down a little bit. I really just want to get to 155 soon. My goal shirt has been hanging in my closet for so long and I want to wear it so badly. I have to go shopping soon because my work pants have gotten loose on me. I guess all the time I spend on my feet at work has toned my legs a bit more. They're starting to look a bit nicer in pants. I still wouldn't dream of wearing shorts because the backs of my legs is a cottage cheesy mess. My inner thighs aren't much better. I'll get there though. The main part of my body that I need to focus on right now is my arms because I have to wear a t-shirt to work. I always wear a sweater on top of my uniform (oh ps. I didn't get fired thank god) because I hate how my arms look. It's roasting hot in there in the mornings and I'm stuck in my sweater so I just look stupid.

I will now include in this blog updates of what I'm calling "The Rabbit Quest". That's right ladies I'm getting a pet bunny rabbit. The only problem is that my parents don't know yet. Back in the day my cousins had a rabbit and they never cleaned its cage so now they think that rabbit's all smell nasty. They don't seem to realise that with any pet they smell as dirty as you let them. If you clean your pets cage regularly and give them baths they'll smell fine. Our dog rolls in mud because she thinks that she's a pig (no joke she actually makes snorting noises when she wants table scraps) and she smells great because we give her baths all the time.

This will be me, when I have my rabbit and when I'm thin.

Love you all, Emma.

Title

I'm too lazy to think up a title so I'm just calling this post title. I didn't weigh in today, but when I did yesterday I was 157.6 so I don't know if I feel good or bad about that. I don't feel like blogging much right now because I feel like I'm going to get fired today. My boss is really pissed at me lately and I'm trying really hard but apparently I'm not good enough. Whatever. I just wish that if my boss does plan on firing me he does it over the phone. I'm a terrible driver when I'm upset, even yesterday I almost ran a red light on my way home because I was trying not to cry so I wasn't paying attention as much as I should have. If I need to vent later I'll be back. The only plus to this is that I get depressed very easily and when I'm depressed I'm too nauseous to eat much of anything (well sometimes, it's either eat nothing or eat everything, but this time it's nothing so that's good).

Emma

Day two of not doing this right

Didn't weigh in today, didn't have time to stop and buy a measuring tape, and I am NOT writing down what I ate today because it's just too depressing. Thinspiration can wait until tomorrow because I've got to go to Grace's house. Wish me luck in not hating my fat self in comparison to her.

This is going well...

I lost my tape measure in the move, surprise surprise. I'm picking one up tomorrow on my way home from work. Today did not go well at all. My resolve to be organised about my measurements is what kept me going and when I lost that I lost all my resolve and ate everything. And I mean everything. I am in so much pain right now from the amount of food I ate. I should be furious with myself, I should be angry and hate myself. But I don't. Right now I don't feel much of anything. Aside from the food baby in my stomach kicking madly I am completely numb. On the plus side my mom picked up some Vitamin E today to hopefully fix the scars left over from last time I felt numb. She doesn't know what its for, she thinks my face is scaring from acne. That is completely ridiculous because the one schedule I do stick with is my face washing routine. But I guess parents want to look the other way. It's easier than facing what's staring them straight in the face. Whatever. Tuesday is thinspiration day and the thought of that cheers me up a bit. I know it's technically Tuesday already but I don't count it as the next day until I wake up after going to sleep or 5 am depending on which comes first.

Encouraging sidenote: I put on a shirt today that has never fit me properly, not even the day I stupidly bought it and tried it on after I got home and lost the receipt. It doesn't fit properly yet, the arms are still too snug for my liking, but it's a bit lose around the waist now and I don't have back bra rolls.

I'm off to wash my face. Love you all, Emma.

Still the fat friend

I am unfortunately still the fat friend. I spent Friday night at my friend's house, I'll call her Grace. I went to her house right after work and I didn't know that I would be sleeping over until later. She called me when I was done work to ask me to sleep over and I was like "hell yah!" because getting to hang out with my friends is awesome because they're all in school and I'm not so they're never home. Without thinking I just rushed right over there and it was only later that I realised that I didn't have any pyjamas. There were a few different sleep pants that she pulled out as options for me. She's lost a bit of weight so she grabbed the ones that were too big for her and offered them to me. Of course even those ones were too small for me. Thank god I had forgotten a pair of sweat pants at her house a few months ago or I would have been so screwed. I hate being the fat friend so much. I'm so sick of it. Last summer I ditched hanging out with my friends so many times just because I didn't want to leave my house looking the way that I did in a pair of shorts. I can't do that again. I almost lost my friends because they misinterpreted my behaviour as bitchyness because I never wanted to do anything with them. Not this year. Not again.

So far eating well for breakfast has gone alright. All I ever eat for breakfast is oatmeal but that's okay because it's on sale 3 boxes/$5 and each box has 6 packages. That's like 27 cents a package. with the amount of cinnamon and brown sugar I put in it (which we buy in bulk) that's like 30 cents for breakfast. Sorry I'm obsessed with numbers and I get a bit obsessive sometimes. Needless to say I stocked up. Hopefully there's enough to last me until they come on sale again. Since I always eat the same thing for breakfast I think it's time to move onto focusing on lunch. I might just get into the habit of eating the same meal everyday for lunch like I did with breakfast, but so far that's okay because avocado and cucumber sushi seems to be my favourite lunch meal so far. What's not to like, the seaweed is good for your metabolism, full of great vitamins, and eating it is apparently good for your skin, the rice is good carbs that fill me up for a long time, the avocado is full of good fats and lots of potassium, and I have no clue what great vitamins I'm sure are in cucumber but I just love how fresh it tastes. Plus the wasabi has to be good for my metabolism, it's just sooo hot.

New system for blogging I think. Mondays I'll update stats in full detail, all measurements, goals for the week and reward for reaching my goal. Everyday I'll put my current weight, meals and calorie intake, exercise if I've done any, and how well I'm progressing towards my goal.  Tuesday will be thinspiration. Wednesday will be a full post about whatever ramblings have come to mind. Thursday will probably be more thinspiration. Friday, Saturday and Sunday I don't know yet. I don't know why but lately I've felt the need to plan everything out, which is probably good regarding my blog because if I don't plan then I'll skip posting for a few days and then dread posting again because...well I don't know but I don't like posting if I haven't for a while because it makes me feel weird.

Wow that was a really long ass post. Hopefully with the plan my posts wont be so rambly anymore. But then again tomorrow's Sunday so who knows? It could be worse.

Love you all, Emma

Comments:
missinsanity: these cupcakes are vegan. cue the drool :) hopefully my abs in progress stop killing me soon, did some weird side bendy elbow to knee things the other day and ahhhhh the pain
Emma: thanks so much, hopefully the loss is a bit more significant this week but you're right

Slowly but surely

Down another 0.2 pounds to 157.6 which isn't much but at least I'm still going and that's the important thing I think. A little bit might be muscle because my abs have been feeling sore and tight and my stomach is a little bit more flat than it was last week. I haven't been doing a lot of exercise exacly, but I have been doing a lot of dancing around while baking.

Today I'm making the 100 calorie cupcakes so I'll update later and let you all know if they're good or not.

**Update**

Holy shit! I didn't think it was possible for them to taste that good. I checked every single ingredient that I used and they come to 110 exactly without icing or frosting, which is okay because surprisingly they're good enough to eat without it. If I find a low calorie frosting though my life will be complete. I'll add the recipe later tonight and post a pic. Just so you all know none of the pictures that I post with recipes were taken by me. I wish I could take decent pictures of food but whenever I try everything looks orange and yellow and green for some reason. Photography is not my strong suit. But I do scroll through many pictures online and find one that looks the most like whatever food is in the recipe, so rest assured if you make something it will look very similar to the picute if not the same.

Sidenote my calories for the day so far:
breakfast: oatmeal with cinnamon and brown sugar (200)
lunch: cucumber and avacado sushi (166), chocolate cupcake (110)
calories so far: 476

Wow that seems like a lot. Oh well. I'm trying not to limit my calorie intake too much because then it gets too difficult and I give up. For the time being I'm trying to stay below 1000 a day. It won't be too bad if I eat 1000 and I can still eat less if I want to.