Tomorrow morning I will wake up and weigh myself, something I haven't done in days. I said I was going to do better with my eating habits until school started, but of course that didn't happen. I think that success scares me. I never pay my phone bills on time, I don't deposit my paychecks regularly, I put off things until the last possible minute, or just don't do them altogether and hope that no one finds out. I have every possible opportunity and not only do I not take it, I work against myself. I willfully procrastinate. Even if it is easier to just get things done, even if that would be going with the flow, I push and shove until I'm in a position to fail. And then I tell myself that it's not my fault.
I don't know how I feel about tomorrow. I told myself that I would be less than 140 for the first day of school. Today I ate almonds, had a blueberry-pomegranate smoothie, and some leftover Italian cheese bread. I don't know if that's a victory or a loss. The scale will judge me tomorrow and read me my verdict. Guilty or innocent.