Up Up and Away

My weight is skyrocketing and my mood is plummeting. I stayed with a relative for most of this week so that I could take public transportation to school instead of driving. It saved me lots of money, since I have to fill up about three times a week when I drive to school and back on weekdays, and only have to fill up maybe every week and a half when I'm just driving to work. I was really proud of myself all week. I didn't have the Internet most of the time so I couldn't check the calories in what I was eating, but I did try my best to eat healthy and said no several times a day to cookies that were offered. Even sometimes when I said no thank you she would still fill up a plate and set them beside me when I was studying. As a result of this, my weight has shot back up to 145. Does it make me sound childish and melodramatic when I say that I feel like my life is over? Tomorrow morning I am back to strict counting. I'm not going to eat anything outside of the things that I choose ahead of time.

Some updates in my life of random stuff that I feel you ladies out there in bloggerland should know. I cleaned my room today. Finally. I've been avoiding it because it had just gotten so terrible I didn't know where to start. My closet is finally cleaned. Well not completely, but it's one of those things that once I've got it cleaned I need to start over again because I'm sure that there's something that I missed. I think the system that I have right now is good though so hopefully it lasts. I have my pants then my skirts then my more summery blazers then my longer blazers, then sweaters, then sweaterdresses, then dresses (organised casual towards more dressy) and finally my more costume dresses. I only got lost on the bus and subway twice this week, which I don't think is too bad. Most importantly of all I wore wedges for three days in a row to school. I felt so self conscious the entire time, but I managed to do it. They looked really cute and they tone your legs so much while you're wearing them apparently.

Comments:
PrettyLies:  Aha I'm sure Ana would be thrilled if I told her to make a sandwich. I love your positivity so much, hopefully I can be there soon. I love tea and music, not so much working out...maybe I can teach myself to love working out lol. thanks, and you've already done so much just by commenting. seriously reading everyones comments is like THE best thing to brighten my day

Vampire: Thanks so much, hugs. hopefully i get some of that luck soon

Venus: Wow that's so much, good for you sweetie. I would rather an hourglass figure than a pear shape like I have right now. All bum and no boobs is no fun. But I would rather be thin as a rail than have an hourglass figure. Honestly at this point I would settle for someone looking at me as a sex object, I just want someone to look at me at all. gosh that sounds pathetic of me :p

Gaining

I'm gaining again, I was almost back up to 144 but I've brought it back down to 142.4 I think. Needs to be lower. I'm falling behind in school work, I'm addicted to buying new clothes and shoes, I never see my friends anymore. Gah. How did things get messed up so quickly. I should be in the 130s right now. I should be shrinking so fast that I can't buy new clothes because I keep getting smaller and smalller, I should be happy and hang out with my friends more.

Right now I just want someone to hug me. I want them to hold me in their arms and pet my hair and tell me that everything is going to be okay, and that if it's not okay they'll make it okay because they love me and will protect me from the whole world. I know that's stupid. I should be strong by myself. I shouldn't need someone else. Strong girls don't need a guy to hold them up, skinny girls don't need a guy to pull them down. But I'm neither. I'm weak and fat and right now I need someone. But I don't have someone. And its because I'm weak and fat. The irony isn't lost on me. But it is making me tired

Comments:

Emma: Eventually I want to find the perfect chunky knit sweater, then my life will be complete. wearing boots is one of my favorite parts of fall :)

Venus: I don't care if commenting two times screws with your OCD because it makes me feel extra special :D so thanks for that. Maralin Monroe was absolutely gorgeous and I would kill to look as great as she did at 140, too bad I'm lacking two key things. Boobs and confidence. That lady had some serious curves going on to give her a hourglass shape, too bad I'm a pear, and she just oozed confidence out of every pore. Wow it does not feel like 20 pounds, I feel like I'm still as big as i was the day that i started this blog lol. How much have you lost since you started your blog? I feel like I lost more quickly before I blogged, but I'm happier now that I have one. Weird.

Vampire: Awe thanks, I'm really into clothes and fashion lately, but unfortunately I have no clue what I'm doing :p I have no clue what that's about and I should probably delete it because it really weirds me out that it's there

1st day of school update

I got so lost on my first day. So I felt kind of stupid. I ended up wearing some size 7 dark skinny jeans from Walmart and a black long sleeved size medium shirt from there as well. I know, I know...Walmart. But the jeans were on sale and I don't want to buy anything too expensive until I've reached my goal weight. Plus the shirt is actually really nice. It has longer sleeves that come down all the way to my knuckles so it keeps my hands nice and warm, plus the neckline is really wide so it makes my collarbones look really good, well the bit of collarbone that you can see. And I wore some nice brown boots that are really nice, and I feel like such a rebel when I wear them. I spent like an hour doing my hair too. So I was feeling pretty good about myself.

I weighed in at 141.5 which is not where I wanted to be at all. But considering the food that I ate I guess that it's pretty good. I need to step it up at bit this year because there's some really thin girls in my classes. On the plus side some random guy started talking to me. I was in line for tea and he randomly started chatting me up. If I had looked the way I did last year I seriously doubt that would have happened. There's a paramedic program at my school and the guys are always walking around in their uniforms. Yum. Nothing starts your day off better than a cute guy in a uniform.

I'm almost at my next goal weight. Fingers crossed that I'll reach it soon.

Comments:

Venus: that's a really good way to look at it, I guess I should be really proud of how far I've gotten because it's a lot farther that I was at this time last year. Rome was probably an ongoing process, like us lol

Calm before the storm

Tomorrow morning I will wake up and weigh myself, something I haven't done in days. I said I was going to do better with my eating habits until school started, but of course that didn't happen. I think that success scares me. I never pay my phone bills on time, I don't deposit my paychecks regularly, I put off things until the last possible minute, or just don't do them altogether and hope that no one finds out. I have every possible opportunity and not only do I not take it, I work against myself. I willfully procrastinate. Even if it is easier to just get things done, even if that would be going with the flow, I push and shove until I'm in a position to fail. And then I tell myself that it's not my fault.

I don't know how I feel about tomorrow. I told myself that I would be less than 140 for the first day of school. Today I ate almonds, had a blueberry-pomegranate smoothie, and some leftover Italian cheese bread. I don't know if that's a victory or a loss. The scale will judge me tomorrow and read me my verdict. Guilty or innocent.