What the Hell is Wrong with Me?

I'm a freaking idiot. I wrote that last post in a post binge rage. They weigh 95 and 105 and I'm jealous. I'm so sorry if I offended any of you suffering with bulimia. That wasn't my intention. I'm not happy with my own body so I'm being an idiot about other people's.

I've Been Trying

Lately I have this obsession with watching the tv show Too Fat for Fifteen: Fighting Back. Its about all of these teens who are really overweight and go to fat camp. I like to work out while pretending that I'm at camp with them. Is that weird? Probably. But at least it motivates me. I have five pound free weights. Its really sad that I don't have the upper body strength to lift more than that. But at least its something, and I'm doing lots of reps so that's good. My friends are definitely 100% bulimic. They told me so. That's fine. Its their choice and they can ruin their teeth if they want to and have puffy cheeks. I don't see the point because you need nutrients and they don't get any. They eat crap and then throw it up. So the few calories that do stay in their stomachs aren't good calories. The thing that bugs me is that they do it completely on purpose and laugh about it like its some joke. Personally I don't have the ability to make myself throw up, but if I did I don't think I would be able to take it that lightly. But I don't know exactly what's going on in their heads so I shouldn't judge.

And I'm rambling again.

Comments:

BlackestSoul: It's just the weirdest thing. I don't understand it at all. But its nice to know its not just me. Sucks that you've got it too though.

Vampire: That's not quite what I was talking about but I completely understand what you're saying. I do that too sometimes, I like over think breathing and then just can't do it anymore.

There's this stupid thing that I do. Sometimes I stop breathing and I don't even realise it. A minute later I start to get lightheaded and panicked and gasp in fear. When I get some air and my head clears and I realised that it happened again. What the heck? How does a person stop breathing and not realise it for a minute or two?

147.1

It's coming off. It's finally coming off. But its not fast enough.

I've stopped counting my calories because it makes me too sad. Whenever I'm over I feel like such a disappointment. When I'm under I feel the pressure to eat even less the next day. Tomorrow I'm hanging out with friends. The ones I'm pretty sure are bulimic. The ones that always want to get lots to munch on. The ones who never actually eat it. The ones who are still my friends but I can feel them judging me when I do eat the food because I'm stupidnocontroltoofatcan'tdoanythingright not strong enough. So I won't eat in front of them if I can help it.

Comments:

PrettyLies: Oh I know I need to improve my upper body strength. I have some free weights and I've been using those a lot. Hopefully I'll see some improvement soon, but I get the feeling that I'm not doing it right. Any input would be very welcome.

Vampire: The sad thing is that I can't even do the girly pushups. Vertical ones sound good so maybe I'll try those. Then maybe I can build up to the girly ones lol

Camille (: I know your comment wasn't really directed at me either lol :p but its nice to know that I'm not the only one lacking in upper body strength. I hope we can both work hard and develop some

Nasimiyu: Arg that freaking award. Lol i need to get around to that but I just feel like its so invasive. That doesn't really make any sense does it? Saying that something is too invasive on the blog that I basically tell my entire life on. I'm probably just procrastinating.

148.3

I'm losing my mind right now. I eat for hours and then I don't eat at all. I need to just not eat. The weight isn't coming off fast enough and I don't know what to do. Squats until my thighs scream. I would do push ups until my arms collapse but that happens on the first pushup. I have no upper body strength. I am a dissapointment.

Comments:

 Vampire: wish i could say that I did better. who knows, maybe today will be different. and what? I am not lucky! it's an hour and a half bus ride both ways. I wish I could walk or bike to school. Think of all the calories burned you lucky duck.

PrettyLies: your're right. it's completelymessed up. the only problem is that i don't know how to break out of it. but today is a new day right?

I'm on a binge spiral right now. I don't know what else to say until I get back on track.

Ahead of scedual

Morning Weigh in: 149
Days until deadline: 27
Pounds to go: 19
Pounds per day required: 0.70
Required calorie deficit: 66,500

I ate yesterday. I really shouldn't have. I had a muffin (450), a can of A&W rootbeer (170), barbecue chips (270), and a bowl of won ton soup (170). That's 1060 too many. Today will be better. Apples and poached eggs and all that crap I used to eat when I was a good girl and had no more than 500 calories a day and life was good and I had control. Stayed home from school today. No point driving an hour and a half both ways in the snow for one class. My time would be better spent with free weights and cleaning my room. When my room is clean I feel more clean, and when I feel clean I eat less. I started reading Wintergirls for the five zillionth time and I still love it as much as I did the first time I read it. My mom wants to go see Breaking Dawn part 2 tonight. I'll want popcorn but Kristen Stewart is pretty good thinspo.

 

Hopefully I can resist all the popcorn and pop and candy. Hopefully I get even more ahead of my plan tomorrow. That would be best, because usually by the end I tend to fizzle out.  Only a few more weeks until Christmas break and then I can work out for hours at a time :)