Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Haven't I paid my dues?

I'm calling on my generals, my daughters
My revolutionaries
We got strength in numbers
And they're going to pay for it


I saw a councillor today, apparently I have daddy issues. Who me? I never would have guessed it... She tells me that my panic attacks might not be real, well they're real to me. "You're not going to the hospital or anything." Trapped in the hospital,  trapped in my head, what's the difference." If you don't get a balance of oxygen and carbon dioxide you go to a hospital." No. If I don't get a balance of oxygen and carbon dioxide I tire myself out like a child and pass out. Unconscious girls can't drive themselves to the hospital. They wake up seconds, minutes, hours later with bumps and bruises and get on with their lives. 

I eat too much. I eat until I can't feel not feeling anymore. I used to eat until I was full and then ate some more so I could feel the hurt. Poke at the bulge of my stomach and pretend that there was someone more to me. But that can't be. I'm broken inside. The food doesn't fill me up anymore. That scares me more than having lumps in my ovaries. Sacks of fluid and fat. That's what they are. They are what I am. All or nothing now. How many days until I cave? Do I even know what willpower is anymore?

I'm  talking in riddles today. I'm sorry. I missed you all. I've been reading you  though. Venus's post touched me though. It made me sad, which is more than I've felt in a long time, so I'm really grateful for that. I'm sorry I'm distant, I'm sorry I'm crazy to all of you out there. Journals are for yourself, blogs are for the people reading  them. I'll try to be good for all of you this time. I have to warn you that my thoughts are a jumble right now and a lot of words are being thrown at me. Words like "learning disability," "rage," "asbergers," "obsessive compulsive," "dyslexia," "attention deficit disorder," "clinical depression." Who knows how many more words they'll throw at me until one sticks. Slap a label on me and stuff me with more pills than a pez dispenser, shake it all up and voila. I'm cured...


  1. ...YAY you're back!!!

    Hope things get less confusing for you. <3

    1. Thanks, I'm really glad I'm back. Thanks for being supportive <3