I have gained so much weight. I don't even want to post it. But I said that I would.

159

I don't understand how that is even possible. I've been restricting, calorie counting, exercising. I shudder to think what it was before last week. I will be 155 by monday. 4 pounds shouldn't be that hard to lose. I'm skipping breakfast today. As for the rest of today, I'm going to stay under 500 calories. Summer is coming, and I need my legs to look better. I'm still doing the 30 day squat challenge, and I'm not seeing any difference at all. I'm going to increase my cardio though so hopefully that will help.

xo. Emma

Set back but not stopped

BINGE! 2 brownies, who knows how many chocolates, and an entire bag of chips.

But I woke up early this morning to go to hot yoga today and sweat out some of the calories. I'm not going to get down on myself about yesterday. I love how peaceful hot yoga makes me feel with myself. Like I feel almost okay about my body when I'm there. I had a bad day yesterday and didn't do my face regimen yesterday morning when I woke up, but I did do it before i went to sleep last night, and I did it this morning again. I am definitely seeing a huge difference with my spots, there is no more of that large under the skin acne anymore, only a few small spots and then of course the blackheads on my nose and cheeks, but while they aren't going away they are shrinking in size. What isn't shrinking in size is my thighs. Which is why yesterday I started the 30 day squat challenge. The first day has only 30 squats and already my legs are so tired.

If I'm happy with the results I'll post before and after pictures. Until then I'm going to keep working on my face, eating better, and perfecting my baked sweet potato fries, which were better yesterday but still not great.

I made some progress

I'm still not looking at the scale until next Tuesday, when I'll post my weight here. But I did make some progress yesterday on getting motivated and working on myself. I washed my face properly, used a toner, moisturizer, spot treatment etc. I took over half an hour to do it, but I can see a difference already this morning. My skin is more clear, but now all I can see is how big my chin is. I'm going to look online and see if there is some kind of chin tightening exercises I can do. I tidied up my room a bit today, which has always been a big point of weakness for me. Today I'm going to get more done and hopefully my mom will be happy. I'm also going to try and get some housework done for her today. I tried to be helpful yesterday and make some sweet potato fries from scratch but ended up burning the entire batch. So hopefully today I can do something that will actually be helpful. I was better being social yesterday. I spent a few hours with my brother's girl friend, and then I hung out with the bf and we actually talked about the possibility of a future together. I'm freaked out a bit because he kissed me all of once the entire time we were together, which makes me feel ugly. But he knows I have my monthly visitor right now so he might be a bit grossed out by me.

Well I'm off to attempt to make baked sweet potato fries again and enjoy some of this spring sunshine while it lasts.

Sometimes I forget

I fell off the bandwagon. Every time I go into the washroom the scale is staring at me, cool and calculated. Even before I step on it, triggering it to power on, I still feel it judging me. One day when I'm perfect I'll weigh so little that when I step on the scale it won't know that I'm even there. One day. I'm going to count every single calorie for a week. It's been so long since I've had that kind of control. And in exactly one week from tomorrow morning I'm going to get on the scale, and hopefully I won't have an allergic reaction to the numbers I see.

I woke up this morning and realised I forgot how badly I need to be perfect. Which is just another part of my imperfection. My weight is an issue, my acne, my teeth, my life...they could all be better. So now I'm going to work harder. Count calories, exercise, take better care of my skin, get white strips, and so on.

One day when I'm perfect the people I love will love me back.

It's a mad world...

I went crazy.

I went the kind of crazy that lands you in the hospital for four days so doped up you don't know who you are anymore. Not that I knew who I was before I went in anyways. I'm out for a few more hours on a weekend pass. Then tonight I'm back in lockup where they'll reassess me and see if I've been good enough to get discharged. I don't know what I'm more afraid of, going back or being let out for good. I lost my mind when I was in there, and it's so easy to fall back into the void. But what if I'm still stuck in the void, trapped, floating into nothingness, and they don't notice? What if they give me my pills, pat me on the back, and let me free-fall back into myself.

I'm terrified. And there's no escaping yourself.

Gone

I can't do school. My brain stopped working. It doesn't think anymore. It doesn't remember what most feelings are supposed to feel like. It remembers sad but not how to cry. If I could cry maybe it would be over. But my brain doesn't remember how to make my tearducts work. It can't remember the answers to the questions, it can't remember what the question was in the first place. All it knows is the sad, and the empty. It knows enough to know it would rather be numb. To feel absolutely nothing would be bliss.

But I can't remember how to do that either.

I'm Back

I'm spiraling out of control. I don't know what my weight is anymore. The new bf said that he likes hipbones though so I'm working on that. Doc put me on some antidepressants and turns out they don't mix well with alcohol or anything else for that matter. Plus they don't work. I'm emotionally no different, the only thing that numbs is the razor blade. I told him about the suicide attempt, the half assed suicide attempt. He cried i think. I didn't. I couldn't. We talked, mostly he talked and I gave single syllable answers. I fell asleep in his arms and we haven't talked about it since. This weekend I had too much to drink, among other things. Flirted with another guy in front of him, or so I'm told. We talked about it. Now we aren't talking at all.

The number of followers

I have 69 followers. Tee Hee. I'm so immature.

So since my last post my weight has dropped a whopping, drum roll please... 0.2 pounds. I've just been doing such a fantastic job that (if you're squeamish or are triggered to self harm easily I'd suggest you stop reading) I made three perfect little lines into my hipbones, or at least where my hipbones should be. I'm a scientist, digging for bones, trying to find the forgotten secrets of what it felt like when I used to be happy. I took the un-molded lump of clay that is my body and carved myself a new future. 115. 1-1-5. Right there for me to see whenever I look down. Right there to feel every time the waistband of my pants gets too tight and digs in. Right there to open up again and again every time I fail.

 

There used to be a person who cared about the scars on my body. Before that there was someone who cared about the scars inside my body. I pushed both of them away. Because that's what I do. That's as much a part of me as the three precise rust colored marks of shame I secretly love to reopen. 

The only thing that I seem to love is causing myself pain. 

Back

I'm back, again. I apologise for disappearing, again.

School is finally finished for they year, I have one pesky summer course that I have to take though, but other than that summer will be work, work, work. I checked my weight today and I was 151.2. Which is terrible. It needs to go down.

Breakfast: silhouette Greek yogurt (50), 1% milk in tea (28)=78
Lunch: 100g strawberries (32), 100g green grapes (69), 100g seaweed salad (106=207
Dinner: 100g broccoli (35), 1 tbsp condensed mushroom soup (6), 1 vegetarian scaloppine (180)=221
Total: 506

I think that's pretty good for a first day back. My body craves bread. I think that the lack of chips is putting me into the same with drawl that a heroin addict suffers from. I want to tear off my skin. Over dramatic, I know.

Updates on my life. My dad threatened to hit me again. What else is new. I wish he would just do it so then I could go to the cops. My mom says he doesn't really mean it. Does that matter? Should it matter? Shouldn't the the words be enough for her to see how he torments me? I won't let anyone bully me anymore. Speaking of bullies, that guy I mentioned before. Done. He was so controlling. He told me what to wear and what to eat and who to be friends with and who I could and couldn't sit with in class. When he got fall down drunk and called me a bitch in front of his friends and pinched me so hard under the table that it left bruises and tried to put his hand up my skirt in front of his friends mom I knew, I drove him home, tried to cry and ended up yawning instead, got properly drunk with my own friends, waited four days and dumped him. He still calls and texts and I would screen his calls except that I can't afford caller ID. He calls me "babe" and tells me that things will work out and that he hasn't felt this way about a girl before. I am NOT his "babe". I won't be.

This summer I will go to the public beach. That is my goal. I will go with my stick figure friends and I will not stick out. I will blend in, my bones will be my camouflage.

Like I Loved you Yesterday

I hate being stuck in the past. I see ghosts of what was and what could have been layered over the reality that I can't force myself to accept. The layers of reality and illusion are blurring and I'm afraid that I'm losing sight of what is true.

I look around me and everyone else is happy, I wish I was happy. I can remember the last time I was happy. Truly happy. I remember that exact moment, and I remember the exact moment that happiness was shattered. I remember where I was, what I was wearing, what I was doing, and most importantly of all who I was with. 

 

          

How do you differentiate between being in love with who you thinkhopedreamwish a person has become and the person who they used to be, while you're terrified of who they might have become? How do you know If it was love or if you just wish that it was love and want to believe that it still is love so you can tell yourself that you're not as heartless as you wish you were? 

Is it wrong to want something that I threw away? I want it so badly it hurts and my skin crawls and my eyes burn and my heart leaps into my throat and I can feel it beat so fast and hard I think it might explode and I want to crawl into my own skin and hide so that I never have to feel this way ever again. I threw away something so precious and beautiful because I was terrified of it, and now I want it back and I don't know how to get it back, I know that I don't deserve to get it back. I didn't deserve to have it in the first place. 

I don't know if any of what I'm feeling right now is real or if it's just a phase. I hope it's a phase because I would give anything to make these feelings go away.

But at the same time I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. These feelings mean that I'm alive. 

Comments:

ruby-tuesday: Thanks, at this point I don't even know if it's the flu or just old fashioned stupidity. But the hot water helps.

Outdoor Junkie: Being a girl does suck, sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I had been born with a penis. I love that you said little one. It makes me feel like I have that potential, to be little in size. And it makes me feel like I am small, like in the grand scheme of things, and that maybe my problems aren't the be all and end all. 

Thank you everyone, and sorry for the weirdly philosophical, questioning, and rambling post.