So since my last post my weight has dropped a whopping, drum roll please... 0.2 pounds. I've just been doing such a fantastic job that (if you're squeamish or are triggered to self harm easily I'd suggest you stop reading) I made three perfect little lines into my hipbones, or at least where my hipbones should be. I'm a scientist, digging for bones, trying to find the forgotten secrets of what it felt like when I used to be happy. I took the un-molded lump of clay that is my body and carved myself a new future. 115. 1-1-5. Right there for me to see whenever I look down. Right there to feel every time the waistband of my pants gets too tight and digs in. Right there to open up again and again every time I fail.
There used to be a person who cared about the scars on my body. Before that there was someone who cared about the scars inside my body. I pushed both of them away. Because that's what I do. That's as much a part of me as the three precise rust colored marks of shame I secretly love to reopen.
The only thing that I seem to love is causing myself pain.
No. No. Stop right there...total bullshit. I'm sorry, but total bullshit. I'm not going to have this pop up on my blogroll and not say something about it.
ReplyDelete"three perfect little lines" no no no.
The dysfunctional marriage of an ED with self injury is possibly one of the worst combinations ever. When I was stuck between that, it was the worst I'd ever been. No. Please please please do not do that to yourself again. Literally, comment, blog, text someone, fuck text me if you live in america, any time you feel the need to do that. Just. Don't. I know it's really easy to dismiss, but out of those 69 followers, I happen to give a shit. Love you, you are SOOOOO much stronger than this.
I totally understand this. I am in the same boat as you. The only thing I seem to love anymore is hurting myself. Xx
ReplyDeleteContinuing your immaturity streak... =3 try masochism! Ahaha it helped me with my SH issues =3
ReplyDeleteIn all seriousness though... I hope you do come to love yourself. 0.2lbs lost is better than gaining! XD