What if...

Not eating after five was awesome. I managed to lose some weight. I gained it all back last night I'm sure. I'm a stress eater for sure. Last night was crazy raining and really hot out so all of my windows fogged up and I couldn't see a thing. After work I was driving down this really twisty turny road and I almost hit someone. I don't know who in their right mind would be out walking around in that kind of weather. I didn't actually almost hit her, like there was a decent amount of space between the car and her. There wasn't a dramatic screeching of the brakes or a violent swerve out of the way. I moved to the side a bit and so did she. End of story. But it still has me on edge. I hate driving. I know I'm a decent driver but I hate to do it. In high school we read this short story about this guy who goes for his driving test and he's like driving around with his mom and the car in front of him kicks up a rock that smashes through his windsheild and so he can't see and there's a huge car crash and his mom dies and a guy in an oncoming car dies. Then you find out its just simulated and the driving instructor people ask him if he still wants to take the test and he says yes so they drag him away because he's a bad person for not being freaked out by his mom virtually being killed and such. That story ruined driving for me. I don't know why it affected me so much, but ever since we read it, the second i sit down in a car and turn the key my mind is filled with endless senarios of a chain of random events that could lead to someone dying while I'm at the wheel. I know it won't happen, I'm a safe driver, always the speed limit, always checking my blindspots, radio never too loud to hear if somone outside honks or yells, never texting or phoning, but still. Last night if I had been driving faster, or if that person had been wearing darker clothes, or if I had driven past her at a bend in the road who knows what could have happened. But
 at the same time if I had driven a bit faster maybe I never would have even driven past her, maybe she wouldn't have even left her house yet.

So that crazy line of thinking is what kept me up all last night. What if...what if...what if...
Needless to say I binged like an obese person setting foot in McDonalds for the first time after 3 days with no food.

Stupid

I binged last night because I've been so stressed lately about money. I just shoved food into my mouth trying to find some sense of comfort. It didn't work of course. It only made things worse. As soon as I finished eating I just worried more about money and how much everything that I just ate cost. Today I binged more because I figured I've ruined everything already I might as well eat comfort food. Then there was a moment where my stomach felt like it just flipped. Everything shifted into perspective. I may have screwed up yesterday, I may have screwed up today, I may have screwed up 3 seconds ago, but I won't screw up again. I'm done eating for today. It is 5pm and I don't care how many delicious things my mom cooks for dinner. I don't care how much they push me to eat. I'm done for tonight, and tomorrow morning the first thing I'm going to focus on is shrinking my stomach. I need to eat smaller meals more often.

Weird thing is that I had a dream about my two ex boyfriends last night. It was the strangest thing. I hadn't thought about either of them really for a long time in that way. Like I missed my most recent ex boyfriend, I'll call him greg, as a friend. I missed talking to him and watching anime with him and stuff like that. But I hadn't thought of him in a "I wish he was still my boyfriend" kind of way. Then there's the one before him, who I'll call Noah. I hadn't thought about him that way either because I started to really hate him because he turned into a manwhore and I just felt like that was really disrespectful towards what we used to have. Anyways, last night I had a dream about both of them. I dreamt that they both asked me to go on a double date with them and another couple and I agreed. But when I got to the double date I was both of their dates, like on the same date. Only there was two of me there. Like the me that was with greg was the kind of person that I was while I dated him, and the me that was with noah was the kind of person that I was while I dated him. It was really weird and I can't get it out of my head now. I have no idea what it means, but it has really upset me. 

Comments:

Venus- I can't wait to be able to do that. "Oh here's some clothes I was going to donate because they just fall right off me now, but I bet they would fit you." You're right though, there definitely has to be something broken about someone to need that kind of attention, I just wish I could give her more of the kind of attention that she needs rather than just the attention that she wants

PrettyLies- You are so right. It was hard to open up about this kind of stuff and when I finally did it wasn't to the right person. I need to be more careful about what I say to who.

lulu- :) I didn't even think of that, thanks. I used to drink so much tea but I don't know why I stopped. Getting back to how much I was drinking should definitely help. thanks

New lowest weight

I finally hit 152. I think I had been holding in a lot of water or something because I woke up like three times last night having to go to the bathroom and this morning I woke up with a full bladder even though I didn't drink anything all night. Kind of weird but I'm really happy my weight is down another pound. Hopefully I'll be down to 151 soon. I just can't wait to be out of the 150s and into the 140s. I feel like that's going to be a real turning point. People have been commenting on my size a lot lately. I had all of my friends over a few days ago and they said it looked like I'd lost "a shit ton of weight" which made me really happy. The friend who said this is really thin so it meant a lot hearing it from her. As soon as she said it the rest of them chimed in and Shaye just sat there. A few minutes went by and then she started complaining about how none of her clothes fit her anymore because she's lost so much weight. No one really paid attention so I felt a kind of bitchy happiness inside. It's probably unfair for me to rag on her on my blog because all I do is comment on the negative, and she really is a good person, but I just feel like she thinks that no one else's problems are as important as hers. When I showed her my scars ( which are very noticeable, imagine laying your hand on the side of your calf right at the centre, there's a massive pattern of crisscrossed scars exactly that size) she said "oh that's not so bad" and went on about how she apparently tried to kill herself again. It was so hard to finally tell someone about what I had done, I was terrified inside, and she acted like it was nothing. Then she went on and on about all of her scars and how afraid she is to show anyone bla bla bla. She doesn't have any scars. She was all "look right there, it's really small and its fading but I did it like a week ago." Not a single mark on her skin. It just really makes me angry that whenever I try to talk to her about any of my issues it immediately goes right back to her. I know that she needs to talk too, but we talk about her problems for hours and we can't talk about any of mine for even five minutes.

Apparently I can't lose weight unless I'm motivated by competition. Last time it was to destroy my ex boyfriend, which kind of doesn't matter anymore because he turned into a self destructive man-whore. This time I guess it is to not be the fattest in my group of friends. Shaye can have a turn at that. Finally she'll have something real to complain about.

Comments:

Emma- It's good to know I'm not the only one feeling that way. I really do want to sabotage her meals. She already sabotages mine so maybe it's time for a little payback.

Venus- Thanks for the support. Soon we'll be on the other end in that situation. Our friends will be asking to borrow our clothes and we'll have to tell them that our clothes are too small for them :)

Fat

I weighed in this morning at 153. Shaye stayed over for a really long time after getting into a fight with her parents so I haven't been able to get away to post anything. Am I the only one who is pissed off to no end when people lie to you about their weight? I tried to talk to her about my issues with my weight. She brushed off all of my comments and started talking about how her anti depressants have made her lose 10 pounds in the past week apparently. That was a complete lie. She's been at my house for longer than a week and she doesn't look any different at all. Plus she doesn't know where we keep the scale so she's had no way of weighing herself. At one point she was going to run out of pants so I offered her a pair of mine. She looked so offended and said that there was no way at all that she would fit into my size 7 pants when she was a size 1 or 2. She says that she weighs 135, which is a complete lie. My mom is 125 and a size 5. Plus my mom is a lot taller than Shaye too. The whole time she was here I felt like she was looking down on me, like she thought she was better than me because she weighed less. Well I've got news for her, I'm going to get to 135 for real and then I'll make her step on the scale beside me and see what she really weighs. I'm going to offer for her to borrow a pair of my pants and watch while she can't do up the top button. I feel like a really mean person and a bad friend right now but after all of the condescension I've dealt with it's only fair that I get to vent.

Starting?

CW: 153.4

I just want to be 152 already! My weight has been stuck in the 153s-154s for so long. I just want a new low weight. The good news is that yesterday when I was running on the eliptical I managed to push myself to go for 13 minutes. That probably doesn't seem like a lot to all of you seasoned exercise veterans out there but it's really a lot for me. I won't have a chance to use the eliptical today because I'm working a double shift at work and I'm just posting this quickly on my break. Unfortunately I won't have a chance to use it tomorrow either because I have work in the morning and right after work I'm going out with the family for mother's day. Monday I'll shoot for 14 minutes. Eventually I want to be able to go for an hour without my lungs feeling like they're on fire. My abs really hurt today. I didn't do any sit-ups or crunches or anything like that yesterday so I'm not sure why, but I guess it's a good thing. Maybe I was just holding them really tight while I was on the eliptical without noticing. I want to be 152 by monday, so that means I'm going to have to be really good tomorrow. That's going to be difficult because going out with my family means lots of food. I try to take a book with me to distract me but my dad yells at me for reading when everyone's together. I don't know why though, no one really talks to me anyways because all anyone ever talks about is sports. I just end up sitting there bored out of my mind, and thats when the mindless eating starts. I can't just sit there. Oh well, I guess tomorrow's just a test of how badly I want to be thin. If I overeat then it obviously means that I don't care enough.

I might be going out with some friends this coming week so I have to look good. Like really good. Shaye will be there and as much as I love her I don't want to sit there hearing about how she  thinks she looks so fat while I'm right next to her with my  backfat pooling around my brastraps.

This dress is at forever 21 and I want to be able to wear it to a girls night so badly. I want to wear it with black pantyhose and wedges and have my legs look like two stilts. Is that too much to ask...