I have gained so much weight. I don't even want to post it. But I said that I would.

159

I don't understand how that is even possible. I've been restricting, calorie counting, exercising. I shudder to think what it was before last week. I will be 155 by monday. 4 pounds shouldn't be that hard to lose. I'm skipping breakfast today. As for the rest of today, I'm going to stay under 500 calories. Summer is coming, and I need my legs to look better. I'm still doing the 30 day squat challenge, and I'm not seeing any difference at all. I'm going to increase my cardio though so hopefully that will help.

xo. Emma

Set back but not stopped

BINGE! 2 brownies, who knows how many chocolates, and an entire bag of chips.

But I woke up early this morning to go to hot yoga today and sweat out some of the calories. I'm not going to get down on myself about yesterday. I love how peaceful hot yoga makes me feel with myself. Like I feel almost okay about my body when I'm there. I had a bad day yesterday and didn't do my face regimen yesterday morning when I woke up, but I did do it before i went to sleep last night, and I did it this morning again. I am definitely seeing a huge difference with my spots, there is no more of that large under the skin acne anymore, only a few small spots and then of course the blackheads on my nose and cheeks, but while they aren't going away they are shrinking in size. What isn't shrinking in size is my thighs. Which is why yesterday I started the 30 day squat challenge. The first day has only 30 squats and already my legs are so tired.

If I'm happy with the results I'll post before and after pictures. Until then I'm going to keep working on my face, eating better, and perfecting my baked sweet potato fries, which were better yesterday but still not great.

I made some progress

I'm still not looking at the scale until next Tuesday, when I'll post my weight here. But I did make some progress yesterday on getting motivated and working on myself. I washed my face properly, used a toner, moisturizer, spot treatment etc. I took over half an hour to do it, but I can see a difference already this morning. My skin is more clear, but now all I can see is how big my chin is. I'm going to look online and see if there is some kind of chin tightening exercises I can do. I tidied up my room a bit today, which has always been a big point of weakness for me. Today I'm going to get more done and hopefully my mom will be happy. I'm also going to try and get some housework done for her today. I tried to be helpful yesterday and make some sweet potato fries from scratch but ended up burning the entire batch. So hopefully today I can do something that will actually be helpful. I was better being social yesterday. I spent a few hours with my brother's girl friend, and then I hung out with the bf and we actually talked about the possibility of a future together. I'm freaked out a bit because he kissed me all of once the entire time we were together, which makes me feel ugly. But he knows I have my monthly visitor right now so he might be a bit grossed out by me.

Well I'm off to attempt to make baked sweet potato fries again and enjoy some of this spring sunshine while it lasts.

Sometimes I forget

I fell off the bandwagon. Every time I go into the washroom the scale is staring at me, cool and calculated. Even before I step on it, triggering it to power on, I still feel it judging me. One day when I'm perfect I'll weigh so little that when I step on the scale it won't know that I'm even there. One day. I'm going to count every single calorie for a week. It's been so long since I've had that kind of control. And in exactly one week from tomorrow morning I'm going to get on the scale, and hopefully I won't have an allergic reaction to the numbers I see.

I woke up this morning and realised I forgot how badly I need to be perfect. Which is just another part of my imperfection. My weight is an issue, my acne, my teeth, my life...they could all be better. So now I'm going to work harder. Count calories, exercise, take better care of my skin, get white strips, and so on.

One day when I'm perfect the people I love will love me back.

It's a mad world...

I went crazy.

I went the kind of crazy that lands you in the hospital for four days so doped up you don't know who you are anymore. Not that I knew who I was before I went in anyways. I'm out for a few more hours on a weekend pass. Then tonight I'm back in lockup where they'll reassess me and see if I've been good enough to get discharged. I don't know what I'm more afraid of, going back or being let out for good. I lost my mind when I was in there, and it's so easy to fall back into the void. But what if I'm still stuck in the void, trapped, floating into nothingness, and they don't notice? What if they give me my pills, pat me on the back, and let me free-fall back into myself.

I'm terrified. And there's no escaping yourself.

Gone

I can't do school. My brain stopped working. It doesn't think anymore. It doesn't remember what most feelings are supposed to feel like. It remembers sad but not how to cry. If I could cry maybe it would be over. But my brain doesn't remember how to make my tearducts work. It can't remember the answers to the questions, it can't remember what the question was in the first place. All it knows is the sad, and the empty. It knows enough to know it would rather be numb. To feel absolutely nothing would be bliss.

But I can't remember how to do that either.

I'm Back

I'm spiraling out of control. I don't know what my weight is anymore. The new bf said that he likes hipbones though so I'm working on that. Doc put me on some antidepressants and turns out they don't mix well with alcohol or anything else for that matter. Plus they don't work. I'm emotionally no different, the only thing that numbs is the razor blade. I told him about the suicide attempt, the half assed suicide attempt. He cried i think. I didn't. I couldn't. We talked, mostly he talked and I gave single syllable answers. I fell asleep in his arms and we haven't talked about it since. This weekend I had too much to drink, among other things. Flirted with another guy in front of him, or so I'm told. We talked about it. Now we aren't talking at all.